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Senior Living

2004-03-01 16:02:00

What to do with a memory lapse?

Bill Ward Question:  I recently visited my grandmother in a nursing home and she was convinced I was my mother. I allowed her to talk to me as such and her nurse showed some concerns as though I should have corrected her. I am not a trained professional in dealing with the elderly. Could you tell me for my own peace of mind whether I did the right thing?

ANSWER:  It can be alarming the first time a family member doesn't remember you or calls you by another name. Don't take it personally. In no way does it reflect how important you are to your grandmother. Whether your grandmother has a temporary memory loss or memory loss caused by Alzheimer's or a related illness, confronting her when she misidentifies you has the potential to agitate or upset her. By simply "going along" with your grandmother when she insists you are her daughter, you essentially meet her where she is at that point in time.To improve the chances she will remember you next time you see her, try to visit in the morning. This is usually the best time of the day for persons with memory loss. When entering her room, announce who you are and that you are her granddaughter. If she forgets again and says you are her daughter, gently remind her who you are. If she continues to believe you are someone else, talk about that person. Ask who, what, when and where questions such as, "Can you tell me about your daughter?" or "What did you used to do with her?" These might help redirect your grandmother back to reality. She may actually turn to you and say, "You're not my daughter." If your grandmother becomes agitated, but is comfortable with you touching her, a reassuring hand on her arm, or holding her hands while lightly massaging them can be calming.Make your visits special by reading from a favorite book each time, or by looking at picture books filled with things she once enjoyed, such as gardens, farms, food or children. Put together a memory book for her that includes photos and newspaper clippings of family and friends. Looking at family photos may provide an opportunity for your grandmother to share memories and put family members in context.Many people with memory loss cannot recall recent events, but may remember what happened decades ago, especially their childhood.  If she is receptive, record your grandmother telling family stories that otherwise might be lost over time. Take a walk together in the hallways or outside if the weather is nice. If the nursing staff says her diet will allow it, bring her favorite sweet, such as a milkshake. If she forgets you have visited her, take photos of the two of you together and hang them on a poster in her room. Consider creating a videotape of yourself or another family member talking directly to your grandmother, as if she were there. Hold up an old family photo in the video, and talk about what was happening at the time. She can watch this video time and time again. Leave a guest book on a table for other guests to sign so you and the staff who work with her can point these out to remind your grandmother of other visitors.Keep your departure as low-key as possible. Tell your grandmother you are looking forward to your next visit, perhaps marking it on her calendar if you know you can keep the commitment. If possible, call her on the phone between visits. Staff can help redirect your grandmother's attention if she becomes concerned or agitated when you leave.Talk to someone you can confide in, if visiting your grandmother becomes emotionally challenging. I would encourage you to keep visiting your grandmother, since both of you will benefit from the interaction. The good memories from your visits will last a long time and give you comfort for years to come.