 | Doug Stark
is president of ComfortCare Homes, Inc. ComfortCare provides long-term care for the memory impaired at all levels of care and function in elegant, single-family residential homes. Born out of the Stark family's experience with Alzheimer's they have grown to 25 homes with 8 in Wichita and 17 in Nebraska and Virginia. A native of Wichita, Doug attended Wichita public schools and the University of Kansas. He served for 12 years as a Big Brother and has been a member of Wichita Rotary for 19 years. He is board member and Treasurer of Kansas Health Ethics. Doug can be contacted through his office at 7701 E. Kellogg, Suite #490, 67207, by calling (316) 685-3322, or by sending an e-mail to comfortcarehomes@aol.com |
Senior Living
2004-04-01 13:46:00
"I don't know what to do."
Question: I have my kids and friends telling me I can no longer care for my wife. We’ve been married 65 years this coming June! I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: This is obviously a very emotional if not gut-wrenching situation faced by many, when the balance of providing the health care needs of a beloved spouse finally tips the other way. The guilt laden process and decisions (commonly referred to as 'tough love' decisions) that one must face can be quite difficult to reconcile, particularly when the elderly care giving spouse is under the mental and physical stress of providing 24/7 care for their loved-one, is frail themselves, or in some cases are dealing with medical needs of their own.The reality for most is to hold on out of love and commitment for your spouse, and also out of fear of how they or you will react to the change and separation. In some there is a financial component to conserve financial resources for as long as possible if long-term care policies are not part of the picture. But for whatever the reason, the time comes in many households where the care giving needs exceed the abilities of the care giving spouse which many times becomes detrimental to one or both parties involved.In your case as the caregiver, if the daily routine or load begins to wear its toll on you, you could find yourself facing serious health issues of your own, up to and including death. And obviously you cannot be an advocate for your spouse if you are not here, or, are incapacitated for some reason. I cannot tell you in relation to caring for those with Alzheimer's disease over the last ten years how many husbands or wives I have met with that knew they needed to transfer the care of their loved-one to someone else, but just couldn't bring themselves to do it. I have seen that decision met with less than optimal consequences.The issue is whether it is best for you to remain the primary caregiver on a 24/7 basis or let your wife receive care in a professional setting, thus allowing you to resume a more normal and healthier schedule. This puts you in a position to hopefully spend quality time with your wife with 'batteries charged' as opposed to just trying to get through the week as a caregiver. I have had many over the years come back to me after finally making the tough decision to place their loved-one and say something like "I shouldn't have put that off so long…… I now have my life back and my wife is receiving better care".Depending on the health, health care needs, home environment (i.e. ranch home vs. two-story) etc., of the individuals involved, each situation is different and needs to be looked at objectively. Sometimes this is difficult when the participants in the process are so subjectively involved. This is where a consultation with your physician, a call into the Department on Aging or one of the many non-profit agencies like the Alzheimer's Association (if that is what you are dealing with) may be a good start in getting an objective assessment and advice. Another really good move is to contact one of the elder care case managers here in town. These are people that are familiar with all of the local providers of care and for a fairly nominal fee will assess your situation and then discuss with you what would be appropriate options. They are able to draw on their experience in dealing with other families and will help you determine what most likely will work in your situation and what probably won't. Finding the phone number for an elder care case manager can sometimes prove difficult as there is yet to be a category in the yellow pages. Again, most of your non-profit organizations, the Dept. on Aging or Senior Services can probably put you in touch. It may be that simply a few hours of support by a home health agency or one of the fairly new companies that provide in home help and assistance on either a daily basis or a few times a week might just do the trick. These companies can help with housekeeping, run to the grocery or do other necessary errands, or they can cover for you as caregiver for a few hours so you can get away and have lunch with friends, play a round of golf, or just spend some personal time clearing your mind. There also are options in adult day care and others that can be incorporated into a care plan that might allow you to put off the need for placement outside the home.On the other hand, it may be that long-term placement is actually the best option in your situation. Today there are many new and improved options to the often feared, institutional nursing home approach. Whatever you do, these are profound decisions that rank up there with other life changing decisions you have made like getting married, having children, and changing careers. What is difficult is removing enough of the emotional component so that you can actually figure out what is truly best for you, and your spouse.
