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Senior Living

2002-03-01 16:32:00

Quitting job to be a caregiver

Question: We recently placed our mother in a nursing home. There are four children and each lives anywhere from two to four hours from the home. We are all feeling guilty that we are not more involved in her care. Should we move her to a home closer to one of us? Should at least one of us take a leave from work to be available for her care? What is the right thing to do?

Answer:  Unfortunately, there is no easy or "right" answer. From the way your question is phrased you obviously are concerned that your mother is isolated from family and that you aren't able to spend as much time as you'd like with her. Knowing the consideration that goes into making a decision that it is time for one's parent to move into a health care residence, one may infer that this was done in your mother's best interest because her health and physical condition are such that having nursing care and assistance readily available is a necessity.In your question, you state "we recently placed our mother in a nursing home." If you feel that, of necessity, this really was more of a decision on your part to "place" your mother as opposed to a joint decision, shared in by your mother, that this was a good and timely move, this may be contributing to your feeling of guilt. However, this should not necessarily be the case. If all of you, as children reached a careful well-reasoned decision that this was a necessary move in her best interest then, even if she may have been a reluctant participant, you should take comfort in the knowledge that you have made a well thought out decision to provide the best possible care and living experience for your mother. The distance may be another question altogether and if being closer to one or two of you would allow her more time with you and more family support, you may be well advised to consider this.Perhaps you should first be asking questions of your mother, if you haven't already. Is she comfortable where she is? Does she find the staff friendly, considerate, and providing good care? Is she making new friends? How's the food? Would she like to see family more often, even if it might mean seeing only one or two of you more often and some less often? Another consideration is whether the nursing home she is in now is located in the community where she has lived for many years, and is near long-time friends who are still able to and do visit with her with some frequency.Often, our feelings of guilt regarding moving a parent into a living situation with available medical assistance are because we know our parents spent years taking care of us and we are concerned that we are unable to return that consideration and love when they need us. With all four of you feeling guilt, it would seem it might be a good thing to have a family conference, discuss your feelings and consider possible alternatives to the present situation. Be honest with each other. Do you have doubts about the quality of the care your mother is receiving? Are you feeling guilty because you aren't able to care for her at home? Is she happy where she is? Would she really prefer to be closer to at least one or two of you? If you choose to select a location closer to one family member, is it possible that actual or perceived expectations will be placed on that family member to visit more often and be more available as health care questions or crises might arise? If so, is that family member comfortable assuming that responsibility and are the remaining family members equally comfortable with and able to accept and appreciate the "extra" care and attention this sibling will be giving to your mother? Could a schedule be worked out whereby you take turns visiting, attending meetings at the care residence, or becoming more involved: if one of you is willing to take responsibility should your mother move closer to him/her how will that affect the ability of others to visit and spend the time that they would like? Obviously, an important consideration in a move would be the availability of a good option for health care in any new residence that might be selected. All things being equal, it would certainly be desirable for your mother to interact with her family on a reasonably frequent basis. How often that should be is a decision that you should reach after considering her feelings together with your own.Your very good question raises many more. It would be much simpler if there were a "right" or "wrong" answer. If you are making decisions with your mother's health, well being and happiness as the ultimate goal, and she understands you are taking her best interests into account, then you should be comfortable with your decision and secure in the knowledge you have reached the best possible result.