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Relationships

2007-11-01 09:35:00

Keeping the golden silence can cause serious health damage

Women who shy away from talking about their stress and strain in their lives with their partners increased their risk of premature death by four times. Is this true?

Dr. Elaine Eaker, famous Epidemiologist and President of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises presented the results of her latest study conducted in association with Boston University. The research project involved 1,769 men and 1,913 women between the ages of 18 and 77 over a ten year period. The findings for men who won’t express stressful subjects were markedly different from that of women. Their life expectancy remained the same over the ten years.

All participants received extensive physical exams and were asked detailed questions about their partnership lives and attitudes. A telling question examined which were the subjects causing most discord
or even fights between the partners? "Sex" is what men answered most often. Women instead quoted money, children and chores.

Dr. Eaker’s study objective was to examine the connection between marital discord and heart disease and death.

Her findings add considerable weight to a growing amount of research going back to the 1980s and documenting similar conclusions. Marital stress substantially increases higher risk of heart attacks in women 30 to 65 and the severity of congestive heart failure in male and female patients. When facts speak that loudly, it is worthwhile to examine our own behavior and find ways to reduce or eliminate stress in our own relationships. The obvious answer is improved partner communication which is not always easy to achieve, especially if years of miscommunication and misunderstanding have accumulated. So what steps can we take to make real changes to reduce discord and protect our health:

• Don’t let time settle over unresolved arguments. Don’t sleep on them and repress them further. They won’t go away. Talk them out at the earliest possible time so they don’t fester and undermine your health. Instead invite your partner to find a caring way to hear each other out. Do it as a matter of course. Remember, words have tremendous power. Consider how you present your problems and the tone you want to strike. Kindness never hurts.

• Avoid accusatory statements, openings such as "you always", "I’m never right" Competing to win an argument is always counter-productive in a relationship.

• Talk from your heart, not your brain. Your partner can sense if you’re faking it. Have true intent to find a solution together, and you will succeed. The result may not be 100% to your satisfaction, but arriving at a compromise without rancor will make each of you feel proud of the way you handled yourself and bring you closer. Hold on to a cooperative rather than the antagonist model when confrontations loom. Attack only pushes you further apart. Good intent is felt by both. Words like "let’s both try to resolve this without anger" can pave the way. When you learn to solve a problem together, you can do it again and again till it becomes second nature.

• Give each other at least ten good minutes each day. Many partners are so totally wrapped up with jobs, children or grandchildren, any number of daily activities, by the time they go to bed another day has gone by without connecting with each other. Every day make your partner feel valued. An unexpected phone call, e-mail or simple praise works wonders.

Experience being together, not just doing together. Hear each other out. Talk. Touch. Ten good minutes daily can go a long way to building a sustainable and loving partnership as well as keeping you healthy in body and mind.