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Health & Wellness

2008-07-01 15:11:00

Affair differences

Question: What is the difference between having an affair and having an ‘emotional affair’? Are emotional affairs as serious as actual affairs? What types of damage can occur to a marriage when infidelity occurs? Is it true that only ‘bad’ marriages are at risk for affairs?

Answer: Actually, both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ marriages can be damaged by affairs. Both ‘actual’ and ‘emotional’ affairs can and do harm marriages. Most of us know that an affair occurs when a married person has sexual relations with another, who may or may not be married. An emotional affair however can develop quite innocently, sometimes developing between co-workers, neighbors, or with others on the internet. Friendships do often occur over time, but friendships between those of the opposite sex can change from platonic to more intimate (although not always), especially if the ‘offending’ partner feels his or her marriage is boring and routine. In emotional affairs, there tends to be a greater level of emotional intimacy within the affair, rather than within the marriage(s). Secrecy and deception are common, as the married person tries to convince their spouse (and sometimes themselves) that ‘nothing is going on’. They tend to find excuses for spending more time with their ‘friend’ (whether in-person or on the internet, explaining that they are working out more at the gym, having to ‘work late’, playing games, doing research or working on the computer). Sexual ‘chemistry’ is common and is shown by displays of giddiness, flirting, and fireworks occurring between the ‘friends’. Often times the offending spouse will begin to dress nicer and place more emphasis upon their efforts at personal grooming. Although emotional affairs may feel ‘safe’, they can easily evolve into an affair which includes sexual relations. In an emotional affair, the married individual(s) are taking both physical and emotional energy away from their own marriages and placing it into the affair, causing damage to the marriage. Even internet affairs can be quite damaging, as the person spends more and more time on the internet, rather than spending that time with their spouse. In time, those involved in internet affairs sometimes decide to meet for sex. So emotional affairs are not harmless; they can be as dangerous as playing with fire. Whether the persons involved in the affair are having sexual contact, or ‘just’ flirting with another, the contact is harmful to the marriage(s). When either type of affair is discovered, there is usually a sense of devastation to the injured spouse and to the marriage itself, with intense emotions and marital crises to be expected. This stage of recovery is similar to that of someone who has been traumatized, as affairs do make a traumatic impact upon the marriage. The start of therapy must offer a sense of safety for the victimized spouse and their emotions, as this person often feels quite vulnerable. They oftentimes assume that something must be wrong with them since their spouse found the need to ‘look elsewhere’ (even if it is ‘only’ for emotional intimacy). Their behaviors might seem extreme to others, although they are common for those who suffer traumatic experiences. They may include depression (including suicidal and/or homicidal thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss. The injured spouse may tend to ruminate over details of the affair, both real and imagined, even when they try not to do so. They have a tendency (understandably so) to mistrust that the affair has ended and they may experience an increase in physiological symptoms including muscular and emotional tension, tearfulness, and angry outbursts. They may ‘re-live’ the entire experience, especially if they personally witnessed their spouse with another. Those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting tend to be damaged the most, as is often the case in long-term marriages. The offending spouse may experience a variety of emotions as well; fearing their spouse will never forgive them, or worse yet may punish them for the remainder of the marriage. They may suffer intense feelings of guilt, regret, and anger towards themselves for ‘being so stupid’. And/or they may feel a great sense of loss, for whatever the affair had held for them emotionally and/or sexually. Although affairs inflict much damage upon a marriage, they do not have to doom the marital relationship. A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) specializes in working with couples who have suffered from any type of marital distress. With the necessary work required, a couple who wishes to remain married has a good chance of doing so. Those couples, who are truly committed to making the marriage work, often times come out of the experience in time with an even stronger love for each other and an increased sense of intimacy within the marriage.