This site is best viewed using Mozilla Firefox browser.

Health & Wellness

2008-08-01 09:35:00

What is grief?

Question: What exactly is grief? How long does it take to get through the grief process? Is there a ‘proper’ length of time in which to grieve? Is there such a thing as unresolved grief? Can people grieve from things other than the death of a loved one? Is it wrong to grieve from losses other than the death of a loved one?

Answer: Grief is a normal process which most of us face at some point during our lifetime. It involves the emotional suffering that we feel after the loss of someone or something which is dear to us. Grief can feel unbearable; as if survival is nearly impossible. But grieving is actually the act of healing. Grief is an interesting concept in that there is no ‘right or wrong way’ to go about the process. A common misbelief is that widows or widowers ‘should’ grieve for one full year before moving on with their lives. If they begin to enjoy life (especially if they begin dating ‘too soon’), many people judge them in a negative manner, although there might be ‘reasons’ for them doing so. For some, perhaps their spouse or significant other was ill for quite sometime. Maybe they had already begun grieving the ‘loss’ of what might have been, even before the death of their loved one occurred. Maybe they had had purposeful conversations with each other as to what the deceased person’s wishes might be regarding this very matter. Maybe the deceased had expressed deep appreciation for their spouse standing by their side while they were alive and they wanted their spouse not to waste another day grieving. Maybe the act of living again for the surviving spouse (which might include dating and remarriage) could be an agreed upon way of honoring the deceased and the life they once shared. Perhaps the surviving spouse had been in an abusive marriage or one that was unfulfilling for some other reason. Maybe they felt that divorce was not an option, but now that their spouse is deceased, they wish to begin ‘living’ as they had always dreamt about. Maybe they had stayed in the marriage for financial reasons only and now that their spouse was deceased they had other options for financial survival. Maybe there were children to raise, and they felt unable to emotionally, physically, and/or financially handle this on their own. The point is that there are a multitude of reasons why someone might remarry quickly; sometimes they are doing the very best that they are able to do. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is recognized for her work with grief. She identified five stages of grief which she feels people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages, causing their lives to be quite painful before learning to move on to the fifth stage - acceptance. Some people get ‘stuck’ somewhere along in the grief process; sometimes permanently. But nobody is doomed to eternal grief, as there are many qualified therapists who are able to help. Dr. Kubler-Ross identifies the five stages of grief as Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Next month we will take a look at what each of these stages include and what variety of feelings might be included in each stage. In addition, we will take a look at unresolved grief which is a more complicated form of grief and usually requires the help of a skilled therapist to overcome.