 | Joyce A. Thompson is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist (LCMFT). She owns Emotional Journey, LLC, which is a group, private practice made up of both male and females and which is located in Wichita, Kansas. We offer a full range of services including ‘talk’ therapy, sand tray therapy and therapeutic massage which all address the mind/body connection. We specialize in working with individuals (from tot to elderly), couples, families, and groups on a wide variety of issues. We also speak to groups or organizations on a variety of topics and offer chair massage at your business or group event. Emotional Journey, LLC is a member of many organizations, including The Wichita Chamber of Commerce, The Wichita Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, Wichita Independent Business Association, and The Better Business Bureau. You may learn more by going to our web site: www.emotionaljourney.org, by telephone at (316) 295-4758, or through email: therapists@emotionaljourney.org. |
Health & Wellness
2008-09-01 15:06:00
Stages of grieving
Question: What are the five stages of grieving and what is included in that?
Answer: Last month we looked at grief and the various facets of such. I explained that Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross had identified five stages of grief which she feels people go through following a serious loss. I spoke of the possibility of someone getting ‘stuck’ in one of the stages of grief; sometimes permanently. This month we will take a look at the five stages of grieving and what each of those stages might include:
1.Denial and Isolation: At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2.Anger: The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she’s dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3.Bargaining: Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
4.Depression: The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5.Acceptance: This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
It is important to note that not everyone goes through each of these stages. It is also not unusual for someone to go back-and-forth between some or all of these stages. Again, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve, nor are there ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ reasons to grieve. Grief is an intensely personal thing which everyone experiences differently. Therefore the length of time for healing can vary from one person to the next.
During the process of grief, people oftentimes experience a wide variety of feelings which may include sadness, anger, sorrow, guilt, loneliness, anxiety, and/or shame. Some people attempt to deny the feelings which they are experiencing. They might do this by denying even to themselves what they are feeling, or they may use alcohol and/or other drugs to dull the pain. Although this might provide temporary relief, it doesn’t work in the long run. Instead, it only adds to the physical and emotional pain which one is already experiencing from the original loss. Sometimes well-meaning people will say that the death or loss was “God’s will”, or they may suggest the person “look at the positive side of things”. In saying these types of things, they are pressuring the grieving person to shut off their feelings, even if this is not their intentions. Feelings are never ‘bad’; they might be painful but they are never ‘bad’. Feeling our feelings allows us to heal while denial of our feelings only allows the pain to continue longer than is necessary.
While grieving, it is important to remember to take good care of ourselves. Having a readily accessible support system of family and friends can be critical for healing, especially in the early stages. It is also important to remember to eat and drink nutritious, regularly scheduled and balanced meals, to get enough rest and sleep, and to exercise regularly. Another commonly missed part of taking care of oneself is to remember that it is okay to take time alone for ourselves. It is not necessary for the healing process that one surround themselves with family and friends on a never-ending basis; even too much sunshine can burn.
Grieving can result from a variety of losses including death, divorce, loss of innocence and a sense of security through physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, loss of love through abandonment or rejection, loss of childhood through being forced to ‘grow up too fast’, loss of health through
illness, injury or aging, loss of a job, financial losses, loss of friends and loved ones through a move away from ‘home’, etc. Again, this is an individual thing; not everyone grieves over the same type of loss.
It is important to remember that you will not suffer for the rest of your life. Taking good care of yourself, surrounding yourself (in appropriate doses) with those that you love, asking for help when needed, and actively working through your feelings can help to ease the pain over time. If you feel ‘stuck’ or if you are considering suicide as a way of ending the pain, please reach out to a skilled professional who can help you to overcome these overwhelming feelings that cause you to feel as if you are drowning. Nobody is doomed to eternal grieving; there are many qualified therapists and support groups who are able to help.
