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Health & Wellness

2008-10-01 15:56:00

Emotional coaching

Question: I have a 6-year old son. Sometimes he throws the biggest temper tantrums and it upsets me terribly! Other times he is really moody and I don’t know how to stop him from being this way. I recently heard something about Emotion Coaching. Could you explain what this is and comment on whether or not you think this might be helpful with my situation?

Answer: Dr. John Gottman, PhD, Is the person who coined the term and practice of ‘Emotion Coaching’. This is not a ‘quick fix’ for parents and their children, but rather a way of life and an investment in your child’s present and future health. When children throw temper tantrums it is because they know of no other way to express their feelings. This frequently happens when they have gotten flooded with emotions and have no idea what to do with those emotions. Dr. Gottman feels that the emotional bond between a child and his or her parents is critical to the well-being and development of the child, both physically and emotionally. Although the parents’ love is important, their attitude regarding their child’s emotions is also very important to the child. Children look to their parents to understand how to handle their emotions. If the parents are fearful or uncertain of how to handle their own emotions, their children will get the message (spoken or not) that emotions are scary and are best left ignored and/or avoided. This teaches the child to be uncomfortable with their emotions (and with those of others) and will leave them with an inability to self-soothe. This issue can continue into the child’s adult life, creating unhealthy behaviors and attitudes in adulthood, which can lead to relationship problems. We at Emotional Journey do feel that Emotion Coaching can be of help to you and your son, in order to better guide him in dealing with his emotions in a healthier manner. It is important that you view the ‘problem’ through your son’s eyes, and not your own. You may see your child’s concerns as being silly or insignificant, while to your son it is ‘the end of the world’. Take the time to listen and reflect back to your child what you hear as his frustrations; inviting him to clarify if you just aren’t ‘getting it’. He may not understand what he is feeling; only knowing that he is feeling miserable. By helping him learn to name and understand his feelings of panic, confusion, and helplessness, you are teaching him how to appropriately deal with these emotions, rather than to be confused by them. Emotion Coaching will help your child to feel loved, validated, and cared about. It will teach him that all emotions are acceptable, although how he handles these emotions may not be. It is important to clarify that it is your son’s behaviors (not him) that is unacceptable. Oftentimes children will begin to calm down while discussing their emotions with an understanding parent, as it gives them a chance to ‘vent’ and to be validated for how they are feeling. This does not mean that the child is ‘spoiled’, or always ‘getting their way’. What it means is that you took the time to listen to him (hearing not just the spoken words, but the meaning behind them), while teaching him how to express and cope with his feelings. Doing so will help your child learn to handle his emotions in a healthier manner and will create a closer bond between the two of you. For some parents this is difficult, as they themselves struggle to cope with their own emotions. Many parents benefit from working with a therapist to better understand their own emotions and how they deal with them. This then allows the parent to begin helping his or her own child, as children do watch and learn from their parents. Be sure that your child is learning what will best benefit him or her for a lifetime. For more information on Emotion Coaching, go to Dr. John Gottman’s web site at www.gottman.com/parenting/research.