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Health & Wellness

2009-02-01 14:22:00

Valentine’s Day and loneliness

Question: Is it just me, or do lots of people dread Valentine’s Day and the loneliness and depression which seem to surround it? I still feel down after spending yet another Valentine’s Day by myself.

Answer: Many people report ‘hating’ Valentine’s Day and the resultant feelings which they experience. But your questions got me to wondering, so I decided to Google ‘depression and Valentine’s Day’. Ironically (and to my surprise) there were over three million entries, causing my computer to crash! So intrigued, I re-booted and continued with still another search. This time I used the words ‘loneliness and Valentine’s Day’. Again I found hundreds-of thousands of results. Many people spoke of feeling bitter about the holiday and the ensuing loneliness. Many wrote some really spiteful things about the whole ordeal of Valentine’s Day and about the couples who eagerly celebrated their love during this time of the year. All of this made me stop to consider reasons why people might have such strong feelings associated with this holiday. During this time of year, so many people are innocently questioned by others as to whether or not they have plans for Valentine’s Day. The very nature of this question forces many to stare their loneliness square in the face of reality. It causes them to consider once more why they have nobody special in their life. If this has been on-going for many years it can cause them to wonder if they will forevermore be alone, without a special someone in their life. It can bring about feelings of rejection, abandonment, and of being unloved. It can cause people to wonder whether there “is something wrong” with them. It can trigger old, painful feelings that are successfully buried during the rest of the year. In short, it is a very painful time of the year for many. For some, they already struggle with feelings of loneliness and depression. When they are surrounded by heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, pink roses, romantic cards and jewelry, by advertisements showing cupid and couples in love – well it can make life seem almost unbearable for many! Those who seem most troubled by Valentine’s Day celebrations oftentimes (though not always) have a poor sense of self-worth, have experienced abandonment and rejection in the past, or feel bitterness over a failed relationship. They often tend to tie their feelings of self-worth to whether or not they have a relationship with a special someone. If and when that relationship fails, they tend to ‘fall’ as well. For some though, Valentine’s Day can be a reminder of a lost love. Perhaps their spouse or significant other is now deceased and this is their first Valentine’s Day in years to be alone. Possibly their loved one is still there physically, but ‘gone’ due to Alzheimer’s disease or some other illness. Many people get married on Valentine’s Day. Then if they end up getting divorced, the holiday holds some especially painful and oftentimes bitter feelings for them. It’s not the holiday itself, but the underlying emotions connected with this holiday which wrecks havoc for many. It’s important during this time of the year to take good care of one’s self. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat properly, and avoid excessive use of alcohol. Doing these types of things can make you less susceptible to feelings of overwhelming sadness and loneliness. It’s also good to find healthy diversions, such as spending some fun time with family members or other single friends. Perhaps you might choose to take in a movie – preferably though not a romantic one! You might also consider doing something worthwhile for others who are less fortunate, or by indulging in something special for yourself. The important thing to remember is that one day out of the entire year does not make you a failure. Instead, try to focus upon the positive; being grateful for the special people who are in your life. Remember that none of us knows what tomorrow may bring. Perhaps your special someone is just around the corner. Or maybe your life will be better spent without a special someone, but instead by being a single person with all of the opportunities which this status can afford. I want to offer a word of caution though. Be honest with yourself about whether this is a simple case of the ‘blues’ brought about by the holiday, or whether it is instead a case of something much more serious. Signs of a major depressive disorder include changes in sleeping patterns and appetite, trouble concentrating, experiencing sad moods that last all day or bouts of anger, periods of uncontrolled crying spells, or thoughts of death or suicide. These are not harmless symptoms and should be dealt with immediately. If you are unsure, a licensed professional can help you to sort out your painful emotions and can help you in discerning whether the emotions are caused by a simple case of the blues or by something much deeper.