Hospice
2009-03-01 14:08:00
Should someone’s dying ever feel good?
Question: Is it wrong to feel relief when someone dies?
Answer: Thank you for being so brave. In your question you have put into words what many people feel at the death of a loved one but they are afraid to say. But relief is a common and normal reaction to death. People who do speak to me about their feelings of relief almost always seem to be afraid that I might think badly of them for having those feelings. I have had many people say to me, “I know that it sounds terrible, but the first thing I felt was relief.” Or they might say, “I was surprised that I felt relief.” And by this they are not saying that they are glad their loved one has died, they are glad that it is finally over both for their loved one and themselves.
Let’s look at two reasons for this relief. First, the suffering is over. The one you love and care for is no longer fighting to stay alive. Even the most peaceful of deaths can be a dramatic event. The body does not give up easily even if the person who is dying has made it clear that she is fully ready and even desiring to die. In these cases the spirit is willing but the flesh is strong. But when the final breath is taken and the heart stops beating things change in an instant. It’s as if that person has left the room and shut and locked the door behind them and leaves their loved ones behind. But since they are also leaving their disease and their pain, the ones who love them feel both sadness and relief. Your feelings of relief in this case are not selfish; they are the feelings of love.
A second reason for relief is that your wait is now over. The end, which was always impossible to avoid, has now become reality. The chapter has closed and a new chapter is now beginning. The thing you have dreaded the most has now come to past and you now go on from this point. The load that you have been carrying has now been lifted. I remember as a child dreading the beginning of a new school year. My summer had been full of activity; every day at the swimming pool, exploring the woods and gullies around my home; catching horned toads (I lived in west Texas), staying up late at night, sleeping outside under the stars. I could not bear to even think about starting back to school again. I looked to that date with dread and some fear. Yet, when that day finally arrived and summer had ended my dread and fear were suddenly gone. I began a new phase of my life.
We are all emotional creatures. Death and loss bring with them a jumble of emotions and your experience and emotions are not identical to anyone else. Allow yourself to feel as you do and accept those feelings as normal. Don’t heap guilt on your grief because you may have initially felt some relief. That is a common and normal emotion that many people have. God knows how you feel and he accepts you as you are. Go to Him and find comfort as you experience your sorrow.
