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Hospice

2011-03-01 11:31:00

A granddaughter’s grief

Question: Do children grieve differently than adults?

Answer: That is a most astute question. I think many of us are guilty of thinking we all grieve the same. We do not. Let me demonstrate by giving you a true story. Krista was just five years old when she saw her Popo lying in a hospital bed, gasping for every breath, fighting desperately to stay alive. The look of concern on her face as she would shift her eyes from her Popo to me, her daddy, is one I will never forget. At five years of age, Krista knew her Popo was dying. I had explained to her that her Popo was very ill and that he would probably die soon. Krista felt as helpless as I did, knowing there was nothing she could do to prevent her Popo from leaving her. Being his first grandchild, Krista and Popo had a very special relationship. Popo tried not to show favoritism, but just couldn’t help himself where Krista was concerned. To this day, Krista has a picture of her Popo holding her, proudly displayed on her refrigerator. On that day, the hospital room was filled with family members. We were waiting, knowing that it wouldn’t be long and then he took his last breath. When he died, many of the adults lost control of themselves, one even pounding on Popo’s chest. Krista had a look of horror on her face as she viewed the spectacle and heard all the wailing. This true story happens every day and every day some little child experiences death for the first time. Their grandpa, grandma, mom, dad, or perhaps their brother or sister, stops breathing and death occurs. Often, the child is left alone while the adults busy themselves with all the details surrounding the death. Calling other family members is often seen as the most important duty, and the child is left to watch television or to otherwise occupy themselves. A friend told me that he attended a death, and found one little girl sitting in front of the television, while the adults all sat around the deceased, telling stories. Some of them were laughing, others were crying, as they were recalling the life of their now dead loved one. My friend was immediately drawn to the little girl and began to work with her, helping the child to understand what had happened. He then began helping her work through her own grief. Children will display grief differently than adults. A preschool age child does not yet understand that death is a permanent event. My daughter was five, and because death was explained to her, she was able to process the death of her Popo. As difficult as it may be for we adults to explain death to a child, I believe it is imperative that we do so. Dr. Leighko Yap, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Oakland-based Kids Connect states: “At around seven or eight years old, children start to understand the irreversibility of death. Until then, they still engage in “magical thinking,” and it’s hard for them to differentiate between reality and fantasy. Yap states, “For example, a child might think that the dead person is just sleeping which means they might come back one day.” I’m not disputing Dr. Yap’s opinion, but I personally believe that children can begin to understand death at an earlier age, based on my daughter’s ability to process her Popo’s death. How can we adults help our children understand death and those events surrounding the death? Perhaps we should share with them what death means to us, such as our beliefs of what happens after death. We can share that Popo will always be with us, in our hearts and our memories. It would be helpful if we could take the time to find some helpful literature, and then utilize what we learn as we speak with our child about death. When a death has occurred, we should be prepared to help our children understand that it’s okay for them to express how they feel, openly and freely. We need to help them explore their loss. Failing to do so could result in some significant negative behaviors. If a child does not learn to grieve appropriately, they could experience depression, a lack of interest in daily and routine activities, and even withdraw from other family members. They’ve lost their Popo and it hurts. They don’t ever want that to happen again. Unless we help them work through their grief appropriately, they could suffer much longer than they need to, and have lasting trauma that could have been avoided. The next time a death occurs in your family, make sure your child is not left alone in front of the television, or off somewhere by themselves. Reassure them that they’re not alone and that they are loved. It will take some effort on your part to educate yourself so that you can help your child process the death of a loved one, but it will be well worth your time. Contact your local hospice for information about grief groups available for children and adults. Other resources are available to assist you in helping your child understand death, and may be found by contacting the Mental Health Services departments in your county. The Internet is a great source for finding published resources which may be helpful in beginning a conversation with your child.