 | Lisa Vermillion is President and co-owner of Get Fit Bee Fit and Thin and Healthy Weight Management. Lisa opened Get Fit- 4 years ago in Valley Center, after receiving certifications thorough the American Council on Exercise as a Weight and Lifestyle Management Consultant and Certified Personal Trainer. In January, she Grand Opened Thin and Healthy Weight Management in the same location. Lisa not only provides weight loss programs for individuals but she also implements business wellness programs for small businesses and large corporations. Additionally, Lisa is a Certified Life Coach providing guidance for individuals in the areas of career, relationship and personal development. She is available for speaking engagements in the areas of Physical Fitness, Weight Management, or any Life Coaching area (goal setting, positive attitude, sales, etc). Lisa can be reached for questions or speaking engagements by phone (316) 755-1115 or email at mvmillion@yahoo.com |
Diet & Nutrition
2011-04-01 13:55:00
“Shoulds and shouldn’ts”
Question: What can I do about overcoming my self perceived limitations?
Answer: Your ideas about what you should and shouldn’t do; who you should and shouldn’t be were formed in your early years and capitalized on up until now. “Should” expectations create an impossible standard; setting you up for failure and self esteem destruction. You have the right to determine the origin of your “shoulds”, decide if they fit in your life now, abandon those that don’t fit and create new standards that reflect your life right now.
In the beginning, your parents taught you their beliefs about what behaviors are right and wrong, good and bad, usually through physical or emotional means. Spanking or resorting to disdainful words, “You naughty boy” when you did something “wrong”, or rewarding with gifts or words what they believed was “right”, formed the basis of your “should” beliefs. Things like, “I should never have anything out of place in my home,” “I shouldn’t ever show my anger,” and “I should always strive for perfection, and never show my flaws.” The problem: “should” is used in conjunction with absolute words, “always” and “never”, thereby making into impossible standards and giving rise to self esteem assassination.
Second, begin changing any “should” that doesn’t make sense at this point in your life. For example, let’s say your parent’s instilled the belief that your home “should” always be totally spotless. Now look at your current situation, leaving daily at 7am and returning well past 7pm, you have a demanding career, four kids all playing ball and a high maintenance spouse. Yet, guilt feelings overtake you when dirty dishes fill the sink, or you haven’t dusted for a month. You drag yourself to work overtired and hit the day stressed because you’ve sacrificed sleep in favor of a spotless house. Perhaps you don’t clean the house then feel overwhelmed with guilt. Your self esteem suffers because you can’t live up to the standard. Ask yourself, “Is the standard my parents set realistic for me at this point in my life?” Declaring war on any “should” that you don’t need frees you from guilt and lets you find alternatives.
Finally, create a new standard that fits your life. I read a great book called “Self Esteem” by Mathew McKay and Patrick Flemming. They suggest that once you challenge your “should” you can reframe the impossible into possible; the unrealistic to realistic. Simply changing “I should always or never…” to “I prefer” or “I’d rather” reframes the situation. For example, instead of “I should keep my home spotless” say “I prefer a clean home, however, the rigid expectation of ‘perfect’ is no longer a fit for my life.” Do this exercise: Divide a sheet of paper into two columns; label one side “should” and one side “reframe.” List each “should”, then decide if it fits your life now. If it doesn’t, reframe it so that it’s more congruent with what you believe. Reframing removes negative thoughts and limiting beliefs, allowing you freedom to break out of the “always” and “never” box and begin making positive changes thus eliminating self sabotaging behavior.”
Some standards you learned as a child still fit you. Take a good look at any “should” in your life. Practices reframing any that weigh you down, because you undo guilt, and lead to poor self esteem. It’s an exercise worth completing; freedom from “should” awaits you.”
