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Relationships
2012-03-22 16:26:48
In love with a married man- upside and downside!
Q: I am intensely in love with a married man. When we are together, he treats me very nicely. Sex is truly passionate. Every once in a while we spend a weekend together out of town. Sometimes he buys me things like a new dress, a beautiful scarf. He says his wife is nagging him all the time. She gained a lot of weight and isn’t interested in sex.
The sad part is that I spend all the holidays and most weekends and nights by myself, and it really hurts me to know that he is with his wife. It makes me feel vulnerable and very lonely. He says he loves me, but I wonder, does he mean it or is he simply using me for sex? How can I find out? I haven’t really dared to tell him about my frustrations and worries, but I would like to know just where he stands. What should I do?
A: I think you’re asking me the wrong questions. Your focus should be on your feelings and what you want out of this relationship. How deeply are you attached to this man? Are you willing to stay in this hidden relationship no matter what emotional price you pay? Finally, do you expect him to leave his marriage and be with you? Have you avoided discussing your situation honestly with him because you fear that he will leave you?
Many men complain about their marriage partner when they seek an extra-marital affair. You really don’t know what the inside story of this marriage is or what part your friend has in the problems of the relationship. Since you accept to give him what he seems to miss, great sex, a lot of caring and accommodating him in every way, he has his cake and is eating it too. In fact, he is unfair to both of you and cheating on his wife as well as you.
Have you asked yourself why you are in a relationship with a married man when you could be with a man that is available and there for you? Are you not worth a relationship with someone who loves you wholeheartedly? What do you mean by saying “he treats me very nicely”? People who love each other are assumed to be caring and kind to each other. Why are your expectations so much less?
Look into your soul and try to come to terms with yourself. Maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor to help you find clarity and help you answer the question what you deserve. Before you can have an honest and open conversation with your married boyfriend and expect him to answer you frankly in return, you need to come to terms with your own feelings and understand clearly what you seek and what your choices are.
