 | Kevin Knaup received his Kansas Adult Care Home Administrator's license in 1983 and is the Administrator and part owner of Sunset Manor, Inc. in Frontenac, KS. He has been employed at Sunset Manor for 31 years. He is a member of Kansas Health Care Association and Kansas Adult Care Executives. He has served on various local and state committees for education and training in the Adult Care home field. |
Senior Living
2012-10-03 11:26:02
How can I make my visits meaningful?
Q- I take my mom to visit her mother in a care facility twice a week. Grandma has dementia and these visits take a huge toll on my mom who feels as if the connection between her mother and herself is gone. Watching this process is heart wrenching. Please tell me how I can make this more meaningful.
A- Dealing with dementia is, as you said, heart wrenching. I do understand what you are feeling, and how difficult it is for your mom to struggle to connect with someone so very important to her. Let me begin by saying, you are not alone.
One of the most important things to express to your mom is that forming a meaningful connection with someone with dementia is a moment by moment process. Very often, as family members, we want our loved ones to connect to us and events that are important in our own lives as proof that they are still there and still love us. As much as we want them to remember those special times and be able to express them, the brain process has changed and they may not be able to do that the way we hope.
For the person with dementia, memories can blur with the present or be changed completely all with no fault of their own. What they remember or how they remember it is no judgment on how they feel about you or your importance in their life. Understanding that is key if forming a relationship with that person in the present.
Next, use each visit as a wonderful opportunity to start fresh with no expectations. Instead of trying to pry memories loose, use what you know to bridge the gap. For example, if your grandmother loves to sew and is still able, bring supplies and sew a memory quilt using materials that are meaningful to you. Even if she does not remember them or the events connected to them, you will bond over an activity she enjoys and have something very special to remember the time.
Another way to find connection is to ask open questions such as "what is the funniest thing that you have ever seen?" or favorite foods, or how to make something. Be edifying and lift her up. Ask for her assistance in doing something such as cleaning a table or finding the location of the bathroom. There is a tremendous power of connection in being needed, and even if she forgets the next day you have given her one of the best gifts in the world, and that is something you all can treasure. Best wishes to you and your family.
