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Relationships

2013-04-29 14:00:35

Including the intimacy factor means deeper sexual bonding

Q-My husband and I have what I think is a normal healthy sex life. I am worried however that we don’t seem to have that kind of intimacy in our relationship when we are not in the bedroom and I need your advice.

A-Up to the sixties the standard for sexual behavior was marriage first and then sex. Yet traditional social conventions went out the bedroom window with the arrival of the flower children, free love, and the acceptance of having multiple partners. Marriage was under attack. 50% of all marriages ended in divorce. Increased sexual contact with multiple partners resulted in millions of men and women of all ages being infected by STDs, Herpes, HIV or cervical cancer. While these alarming facts were widely reported, nobody lamented the loss that caused more break-ups and more upheaval in relationships; the loss of intimacy. Focused on instant sexual gratification, the most precious part of loving, the magic of being intimate was lost. Magazine titles everywhere promise their readers better sex techniques to keep their partners interested. Prime time television presents sexual dramas, portraying love conquerors jumping from relationship to relationship and bed to bed. Radio programs, books, tapes, the Internet, all lure the public with new suggestions for better, bigger sex. And those “little pill” ads inform us daily that four hour erections are possible. As a result millions of viewers believe that everyone is entitled to sexual panacea, the sexual happiness that has eluded them so far. We’ve even come to believe that “speed dating” is the short cut to making a real connection. Instant gratification has become the norm. No wonder the most precious ingredient, the very mortar of loving which is intimacy, is deeply lacking in many relationships. No wonder people feel empty and disassociated once the moments of sexual excitement are over. Intimacy goes beyond sexual techniques and reaching climax. It doesn’t come in bottles. Emotional intimacy grows by being in each other’s lives. It takes time, months, sometimes years to develop meaningful levels of trust and closeness. In a chapter of Genesis it says that sex makes two people one. It is not the sexual act in itself that can bring us to the ultimate state of belonging, of becoming one. It is the bonding of two beings, unified spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, being ultimately intimate. I receive many letters saying “Sex is pretty good but something is missing in our relationship. The moment sex is over, I feel alone, disconnected.” Building emotional intimacy means opening up gradually to each other. From the first encounters when we literally just exchange the headlines about ourselves, we move to sharing more and more details about our lives, our feelings, what we fear, what makes us happy, revealing what makes us who we are. With the progression of sharing trust and closeness grow, and the dynamic of true intimacy permeates every moment of our lives. It makes being together more meaningful and more joyful, from simply enjoying a cup of coffee together to sharing the deepest sexual pleasure. Achieving true intimacy means taking the risk to really open up to each other, bonding intimately, including sexually, to build a loving relationship.