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Nadine ReimerPenner
Nadine Reimer Penner ACSW, LSCSW, s Director of Bereavement at Harry Hynes Memorial Hospice. She is certified as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and by the Academy of Certified Social Workers. Nadine's memberships include National Council of Hospice Professionals, the National Hospice and Palliative Care Association. She has made presentations to the National Hospice Organization, and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Your can reach Nadine at (316) 219-1761 or FAX (316) 265-6066, or by e-mail at nreimerpenner@hynesmemorial.org
Hospice
2003-03-01 12:24:00
No visitors... what do I do?
:  I have a friend (48 yrs. old) in the hospital now for 3 weeks with stomach cancer. He is in pain, can't eat without throwing up and has been fitted with an intestinal feeding tube, which he is not tolerating well yet. From the first day in the hospital, he has not wanted any visitors, has to be prodded to get out of bed to walk, doesn't watch TV, doesn't read or listen to music. He doesn't want his 3-year-old daughter in the room because she makes too much noise. He is very grumpy as I imagine I would be too. My question... is this a normal reaction to a serious illness? Is it normal for people in his position not to want to see anyone? How can I help him? Do his many friends of 35 years just stay away and honor his request, or do we go and visit anyway? When we do visit, he is polite, but we have to get past the big “No Visitors” note on the door, written by him.
ANSWER:  You are to be commended for continuing to want to visit your friend in spite of several significant obstacles.  My first concern is his physical pain.  Until his pain is controlled, he may be unable to focus on other important aspects of his life.  If his pain is very intense, noise from a television or even from his young daughter can be added stress as all of his energy is focused on dealing with the pain.   Try to learn how his pain is being treated.  There are consultants available from local palliative care teams to assist in managing his pain.  Once pain is controlled at the level he desires, then he will be more able to address other aspects of his life.  If he continues to not want to have contact with friends and family even after his pain is under control, then he may be experiencing some difficulty adjusting to his illness.   Your question does not indicate what your friend has been told about his illness.  A social worker at the hospital or the social worker on the palliative care team may be able to help him begin to address his concerns.Helping a friend who has a serious illness can be very challenging.  When he is in the hospital and his medical symptoms are not yet in control, the best kind of help for your friend may be helping his family.  Think of practical things you can do such as providing child care, putting gas in the car, washing the car, picking up dry cleaning, house sitting, or caring for pets. Avoid saying, "Is there anything I can do to help?" Generally, it's better to be very specific about what you are willing to do and when you can do it.  Most importantly, make sure you fulfill your promise.When you are able to talk with your friend, try acknowledging your own fears and concerns to him.  By setting an example, you are letting him know you are willing to talk about important issues.   Long-term friendships such as yours are vital.
 
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