 | Scott E. Spradlin, M.A.
is a counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a treatment for borderline personality disorder (BPD), self-injury and other disorders of emotional control. He also provides counseling for couples, depression, and anxiety. Scott has provided workshops to area mental health professionals, educators and clergy on the topics of suicide awareness and interventions, and self-injury. In addition to his counseling work he is also the author of the recently published book, Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control, from New Harbinger Publications, he serves as the Pastor of Student Ministries at Grace Presbyterian Church in East Wichita, and is a part-time instructor at Wichita State University's Department of Counseling and Education. Contact Scott at (316) 651-7073, or e-mail: scott@ksdbt.com |
Family Counseling
2003-04-01 12:15:00
I don't procrastinate
: I'm a born leader, a take-charge type of person. If I see something that needs to be done at work, I get right on it. My problem is that I expect my co-workers to be the same way. Some co-workers call me bossy, pushy, or aggressive. How can I earn their support without holding back on a trait that comes natural to me?
ANSWER: First of all, there is nothing wrong being a born leader who is a take-charge kind of person. And your ability to get right on things to make sure they get done is surely a strength that you possess. Next, your expectation that others should do things your way is very normal. It's natural for people to see things from their point of view and tend to expect others to share their point of view, skills and style. If there is a defect in your expectation it's that it's ineffective for you and your relationships with your co-workers. The good news is, I think you can gain their support and respect without surrendering your style or your strengths. While there are people among us, you happen to be one, who are task driven. Others need to have a sense of connection to their co-workers to connect to their work. You also have to account for your emotions and theirs. Task driven people can push aside personal feelings while focusing on their tasks, and of course expect others to do the same, but people vary in their emotional sensitivities. Try these following steps.Tolerate the differences. The differences exist whether you tolerate them or not. Since this is part of the office reality, accept it. By accept I don't mean approve. You don't have to approve of styles or behaviors simply because you accept them. It means that you see things the way they are, and rather than berate them or yourself, just "see them" letting go of any judgments about them that you might have, especially if these judgments only frustrate you. You're not letting them off the hook you're letting yourself off the hook of needless pain.Challenge your automatic thoughts. What is the first thought that comes to mind when your co-workers do things that bug you? Are there thoughts like, "what idiots," or "their stupid or lazy"? These thoughts may not be in your awareness, but you can practice paying attention to what your reactive, or automatic thoughts are, and notice how strongly you believe them. Thoughts mediate how you feel. Thinking your co-worker is an idiot will make you more prone to frustration, triggering words you regret saying or behaviors you wish you never did. When you notice your negative beliefs about your co-workers, challenge them with other thoughts by saying to yourself, "That's not the way I do things, maybe they’re on to something," or "He's not an idiot, he's doing the best that he can," or "Why should I expect everyone to do things the way I do things? Where is that written in the cosmic rule book?" Validate your co-workers. Your co-workers can't possibly do everything wrong or inefficiently. Give them kudos when they do something well or propose a good idea. Don't validate mistakes or shortcomings and don't tell people how angelic they are, that wouldn't be genuine. Just validate what's valid. Also, if a co-worker is having a bad day, or seems bent out of shape, tell them that you notice that and ask if there is any thing you can do to help them get through the day. This is very validating. It shows that you care about them as people, and not as machines. You will find that they warm up to you, maybe even increase their productivity and ask you for suggestions on how to do things.Accept feedback graciously. If you are hearing that you're pushy, just take it in non-defensively. Be open even when it hurts. Tell them that you appreciate the feedback and that you're trying to change your approach, and if you are pushy again, give them permission to tell you. Balance that with also asking them to be patient with you, since this is a new practice and you might fall into old habits. And if you do fall into old habits, just notice that, don't get bent out of shape, and go back to practicing your new relationship skills.There are many other strategies you could use, but this is enough for now. Don't expect that you will change immediately, and don't expect your co-workers to believe your efforts at first. They have come to know you in a particular way, and it will take them a while to get used to the new you. Be compassionate with them and yourself. Apply your tenacity, and practice, practice, practice.
