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Relationships

2002-05-01 15:03:00

He lost his job and takes it out on me

Dear Jacqui,
I was widowed for several years before I met Tom. Our relationship blossomed and we've been living together happily for a year. Two months ago his company downsized and he lost his job. Since then he seems like a different person; irritated at everything I say or do, often withdrawn, unwilling to communicate. Our relationship has suffered a lot. I love him deeply but I feel he resents my very presence. What should I do? Move back to my home and get out of his way for a while. I'm so confused.  Kelly

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui,I was widowed for several years before I met Tom. Our relationship blossomed and we've been living together happily for a year. Two months ago his company downsized and he lost his job. Since then he seems like a different person; irritated at everything I say or do, often withdrawn, unwilling to communicate. Our relationship has suffered a lot. I love him deeply but I feel he resents my very presence. What should I do? Move back to my home and get out of his way for a while. I'm so confused.  KellyDear Kelly,Don't move out, he needs your support, just give him enough space so he can work his way out of this emotional hole. His self-esteem has been dealt a severe blow.  His symptoms have all the earmarks of what is called a "clinical situational depression." He might feel a failure and unconsciously do things to push you out of his life because he doesn't feel worthy of you. It is hard for him to accept your love at this moment even though he knows you mean well. He has to find his footing and work his way back to feeling himself again.      Relieve the pressure by concentrating on your life rather than making his struggle your focus. It is not easy for a nurturing person to be passive, but these are the signals he is trying to give you. Just let him know that you support him, that your love is there and will be there when he is ready to embrace himself again and you.     For you it may be the opportune time to enroll in a workshop and plan activities with your women friends to give him "alone" space. That long overdue visit with your family may be a good idea.     For him it's important to get his own kind of support. Networking with friends and colleagues is a positive step. Many of his pals have gone through similar experiences and are eager to share helpful suggestions. Maybe Tom has a close friend he could visit. There is nothing like a real buddy to hang with, feel the comfort of a trusted friendship and talk without feeling shame. He may wish to contact an outplacement firms. They have helped thousands of people in similar situations. Or he could join a support group in your community to ease his isolation.      In a loving relationship there are occasions when a wounded partner needs healing time to find his way back to himself and you. Coming through it together may bring you closer than ever.  Jacqui