 | Tom Morris
is president of Downing & Lahey Mortuaries and Crematorium. He joined the family business as a funeral director and embalmer in 1986-the fourth generation to do so.
There are two Downing & Lahey locations in Wichita-one on the east side at 6555 E. Central, and another on the west side at 10515 W. Maple. Tom can be reached at his office at (316) 682-4553, by fax at (316) 685-8624, or by e-mail at info@downingandlahey.com. You can also visit Downing & Lahey on the Internet at www.downingandlahey.com |
Final Arrangements
2002-08-01 10:47:00
Children at funerals
Tom Morris
Question: What are your thoughts on children attending funerals?Answer: Just like adults, children also grieve when someone close to them dies. Children can benefit greatly by attending the funeral service and by being included in the planning of the funeral ceremony. No one wants to lose someone they love, but when death does occur, the funeral can be a chance for children to learn about both the joy and the pain that come from caring deeply for other people.How adults respond to the death of a loved one will have a major effect on how children will react to the death. Sometimes adults don't want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so, children will be spared some of the pain and sadness. But the simple fact is children will grieve anyway. It's best for adults to talk openly about the death and to help children understand that grief is a natural feeling when someone they loved has died. When ignored, children may suffer more from the feeling of isolation than from the actual death itself.Determining what to tell a child about a death will require listening to their questions very closely. Their questions will usually indicate the amount and level of information they want to know. In regards to younger children, the best and most basic way to explain death to them is to say, "The body stopped working." Children have a literal, concrete style of thinking. Avoid comparing death with sleeping. This can cause an enormous fear of the dark and a fear of going to sleep at night.One of the greatest regrets of many adults is that they were not allowed to go to the funeral of a grandparent or other relative because they were "too young." There is a strong sense of having missed an important family event. Children will generally do fine at a funeral if the adults are comfortable having them there. Explain to the child what they will see at the funeral and who may be there. This will help alleviate some of their fears. It can also be helpful to bring along a friend or neighbor who can leave the service early if the child becomes restless.In the words of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, who is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist,* "If handled with warmth and understanding, a child's early experience with the death of someone loved can be an opportunity to learn about life and living as well as death and dying."Parents must make the ultimate decision, but my personal and professional opinion is that children should be allowed to attend funerals. * Someone who studies the phenomena of death and the psychological mechanisms for coping with them.
