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Relationships
2009-11-01 15:55:00
Advice without sounding like criticism
Answer: Here are some examples of advice that came out as criticism.
Married couple:
“John, give me your honest opinion, which dress suits me better, the blue or the print?”
“The blue, it makes you look trimmer.”
“Do you have to rub it in that I gained a couple of pounds?”
Dating couple:
“Alice, you’re good at decorating. What do you think of this carpet for the living room?”
“It’s a little too busy, especially for that big an area.”
“I should have known. You never agree with my choice. It’s so irritating?”
Sounds familiar? You’re asked for your opinion. You give your honest advice but….your partner hears it as blatant criticism. Within moments negative reactions and hurt feelings pile up on both sides. Partner one perceives they’re being criticized. Partner two feels attacked unfairly, having done nothing more than answer a simple request for advice.
The interchange that follows often continues like this: “If you don’t want my opinion, why ask me?” And from there the discord is building adding to each partner’s bucket of discontent about the other.
How can we circumvent one of the primary reasons for continuous relationship disconnects which eventually erode the very fabric of love? What one partner perceives as advice or constructive criticism is mostly viewed as quite the opposite by the other. Consequently the issue to focus on is how to break this destructive pattern. That means understanding and admitting to yourself and the other the shortcomings that rattle each other’s cage. We all have flaws. Admitting them, discussing them in a caring way and having the willingness to make adjustments or changes are a definitive way to make dramatic improvements in the relationship.
Many among us interpret a simple opinion as scathing criticism. Why? Quite often the onsets of such feelings are due to hurtful childhood experiences we never really dealt with. In many cases overly critical parents may have caused the original damage, evoking feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy. Later in life, innocent opinions expressed by a partner can trigger the same painful childhood traumas. By discussing our fears and flaws openly with our partner or, in some cases with a therapist, we can learn to let go of them, to avoid statements that can be interpreted the wrong way, express our opinions in positive terms rather than being critical, or worse, contemptuous of our partner.
In this light, let’s review our two examples from above and see how John and Alice could have avoided misunderstandings?
“John, give me your honest opinion. Which dress suits me better, the blue or the print?”
“Darling, you always look great. But I think the blue one is particularly flattering.”
“Alice, you’re good at decorating. What do you think of this carpet for the living room?”
“It’s an interesting pattern. Maybe you could ask them to let you borrow a couple of samples before making a final choice.”
In each case the questioned partners shows support for the other which is elementary in building goodwill in the relationship. Replacing empathy, kindness and goodwill and silencing criticism, perceived and real, can make dramatic changes in how both of you feel about each other. Guaranteed!
