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Relationships
2012-06-08 15:07:56
Discussing sexual dysfunction without hurting the other person
A: Discussions on sexuality are so widespread and commonplace today; we cannot open a magazine, listen to a radio program, watch TV or browse the internet without being bombarded with sexual issues. The media makes us believe that we are all entitled to a happy and exciting sex life. This message is reinforced daily by ads that leave little to the imagination, that great sex is as easy as taking the little blue or white pill to make magic happen, even 4-hour erections are possible results.
Yet, when sexual problems occur in our own lives, such as erectile dysfunction in men or sexual dysfunction in women, it is anything but easy for couples to talk openly about such issues.
Both men and women experience sexual problems and many sexual issues are not age related. Often sex inabilities have nothing to do with mechanical sexual functioning .Female dysfunction or male erectile dysfunction are more likely connected to anxiety, feelings of lack of worthiness, stress or anger that has accumulated in the relationship. What makes things worse is shunning the issues and making excuses. Often the affected partner is overwhelmed with his or her sexual issues; they prefer to avoid the emotional dilemma by simply withdrawing from sexuality without considering the consequences. In many cases this causes the other mate to feel rejected, believing that he or she no longer cares or is no longer attracted. Suddenly the problem becomes more complex and can lead to serious misunderstandings or actions that can truly undermine the bond between the couple. Avoiding the issues may even cause a disruption in the relationship. Talking about the bedroom problem with each other in an open, supportive way is the very first step to finding a solution together. In some cases seeking the help of a counselor may be a more fruitful way of finding solutions.
How to do it, how to find the words, the right time and place? Sexuality issues are best discussed outside the bedroom. Take a stroll together. Make a date to go to your favorite little hang-out where talking is comfortable. See a romantic movie together first to get in the mood before being close. Above all, be supportive and avoid all accusatory terms. Find a time in the day or evening when neither of you is rushed.
It is helpful for you to understand what is going on. Read up on the problem on the Internet so when you’re ready to sit down and discuss the issue you’re as knowledgeable as you can be. Maybe you start the discussion by admitting, gently, that this is not easy for you to talk about and that it may not be easy for your partner to respond. Give each other the feeling throughout the conversation that you wish to make the relationship better and work toward a more fulfilling sexual life together. Instead of saying words like “you always seem to lose your erection”, suggest that we may have a problem in the erection department and can we discuss how to solve it. Instead of accusing her of not showing any sexual desire, inquire if there is a physical or emotional issue that she could explain, so you can work together to make sex more fun. Let it be clear that you care so both of you feel comfortable to speak truthfully and openly.
Great sex as well as great intimacy is based on good communication. That’s one thing we can always improve.
