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Relationships
2012-08-01 13:35:52
Opposites attract-but then what?
A- When early stage love feelings go from bubbling to simmering, that’s when the challenges of managing differences between partners begin. Most couples deal with some more or less significant differences including economic, social, geographic, religious, political views or a combination of differentiating factors. In the case of Amy and Paul the differences were many. Solidly middle class, Amy graduated from a community college in Atlanta. She had a career in human resource and often struggled in supporting her kids. She went to temple on high holidays but otherwise didn’t follow religious laws. Paul had a very privileged upbringing and graduated from an Ivy League college. He is a Senior Partner in a successful New York law firm and clearly well off.
The question is how do successful couples navigate their differences successfully?
• Respect your partner’s differences. Learn about their culture; accept that their core values may generate actions or problem solutions based on their difference in background. I always went to Midnight Mass with my Catholic boyfriend even though I am not Christian. I found it to be a very moving experience, and we felt closer sharing it.
• You don’t have to give up who you are or letting go of your core values or the traditions that you love. Constructing a life together does not mean that partners must change fundamentally who they are. Acceptance and support of each other are key to intimate bonding and the willingness to make accommodations without resentment.
• Communicate, communicate, especially when considering marriage. Discuss religious issues in details to avoid tensions on you big day. Be sure to be clear about all the issues of your future life including financials such as budgets, assets and debts. Hidden issues have a way of tripping you up later.
• Identify core values you share, goals you want to achieve, activities you both love. Things that mean togetherness.
• Make an effort to get to know each other’s families. Try their native foods, listen to their music. Learn about their culture. The effort you make can only solidify your relationship and gain their love. Encourage an inclusive family life rather than avoiding new in-laws.
• Remember that differences can enrich your lifestyle. Mary Matalin and James Carville are a prime example of a happily married couple in spite of their differences. She is a staunch Republican strategist; he is a prominent liberal pundit and lifelong Democrat. Clearly, they made their differences work beautifully!
