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Relationships

2013-01-02 14:20:03

Getting it right the second time around

A-The phone rings. You pick it up and….the connection is instant, the emotional button responds. There it is again, the magic of that special voice of a new love or one that takes you back to a past relationship when you once were a couple. In the first case the future opens a little more. In the second you wonder, can the past become present again? Either way you ask yourself, can I get it right this time? Enter Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of the book “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship”. Funded by the National Institutes of Health, Dr. Orbuch collected data from 373 couples starting in their first year of marriage and continuing over twenty-five years. To date 46% of couples divorced, in line with the Census and other studies. What the results reveal is this, do partners learn from their mistakes, are they willing to take responsibility for some of the failures, can they let go of destructive patterns and are they open to change or not? “What have you learned from your mistakes” was the critical question. The answers strongly indicate future success or failure of the next relationship. Partners who had the ability to think about and learn from their mistakes and were able to make changes had a high probability of finding new love or getting remarried. Our own findings correlate strongly with Dr. Orbuch’s research. With this column we have often encouraged you to show how you evaluate and appreciate your partner daily, how you show love and caring to strengthen your relationship with your current partner. To give your partnership a new chance, you should give special attention to identify the past mistakes and let go of destructive patterns. The importance is to make the love connection daily, show intimate gestures, and choose positive words so your partner can truly feel how much you really care. Dr. Orbuch’s findings are quite similar. Touching, cuddling, kissing are the invisible daily vitamins that strengthen feelings of love and trust. The words “I love you” still have magic for your partner. “Men need nonsexual affirmation even more than women”, says Dr. Orbuch. Another of her surprising revelations is that divorced individuals didn’t identify sex as something they would have approached differently. Dr. Orbuch, however mentions, that “good sexuality is certainly an important aspect of showing love and affection.” There are four components of displays of affection that she describes: How often the spouse showed love; how often the spouse made them feel good about the kind of person they are; how often the spouse made them feel good about having their own ideas and ways of doing things; and how often the spouse made life interesting or exciting. Starting the New Year with these positive suggestions can enrich your own romantic life. Coming from women and men who went through a break-up and gained the wisdom of what’s important to make love flourish means that these relationship goals are both practical and achievable. Yes, we can get it right the second time around. Happy New Year!