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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2010-04-01 12:04:00

QUESTION: "I’m not sure what’s more terrifying, leaving my husband or fearing his next attack? I used to be a confident person; I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel worthless and paralyzed. Please help!"

ANSWER: Unfortunately this touching letter is not a singular cry from a victim of domestic abuse or domestic violence (when physical abuse is involved). This problem is widespread and happens among many partnerships, married or not; heterosexual or same sex couples, all ethnic or financial groups. While women are more often the victims, men too are abused. Abuse, be it verbal, emotional or physical has only one aim; to give the abuser complete and continued control of his victim. Abusers hardly ever change. They are very clever making the abused feel that their attacks are solely the fault of their victims. Abusers will intimidate, threaten, isolate the abused because they need to be in charge and will use any means to achieve their goal including outright brutality. The victim can only escape this doomful existence by recognizing and dealing with the tell tale signs of abuse. Like alcoholics, the victim has to face the fact that she or he is in an abusive relationship and make the conscious decision to get help, to get out. How to recognize if you’re in an abusive relationship: •Are you often afraid of your partner? •Worried about provoking his anger by what you say or do? •Do you feel lost and worthless, shut down and see no way out? •Believe you’re at fault for your partner’s outbursts? •Do you feel humiliated, put down, criticized? Are you yelled at or threatened? •Does your partner control where you go, what you do and check up on you? •Do you feel isolated and fearful of asking for help? • Does the abuser hurt you or threaten to do so, or worse, kill you? • Do you think you have to ask for permission for anything you do? Nobody has to live in fear. If you answer yes to any of these questions, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Know that you can terminate it and build a new life of dignity and happiness, even if the hurdles seem insurmountable. Many help groups are listed on the web. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) a Crisis Intervention Referral for domestic violence. Abusive behavior often starts with threats; to hurt you or take your children away or mistreat your pets. The abuser’s goal is to break you down, to make you feel worthless, guilty for the deteriorating relationship. Often emotional and verbal abuse leads to physical or sexual abuse, even among consensual or married partners. Forcing a partner to have unwanted sex is clearly domestic abuse. Many abusers choose economic leverage to control victims by denying them access to money or credit. Organizations and individuals want to help. Still, victims find it hard to reach out and escape. Abusers are clever and cunning. They do anything to keeping their victims; turning on the charm, promising to change or, if that doesn’t work, increasing threats and fear tactics. Often friends or relatives of the victims are nervous about getting involved, feeling they don’t have the right to interfere. Reaching out to a victim in danger is not interference but an act of compassion, helping another human being in need.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2010-03-01 08:47:00

QUESTION: “My husband has recently availed himself of the little blue pill and clearly has had a sexual reawakening. I am postmenopausal and suffer from vaginal dryness. Our amorous encounters are very uncomfortable to me. I’ve tried a couple of lubes. One was so slippery and messy, I couldn’t stand it. The other I’ve tried had a pleasant scent but it actually caused a vaginal infection. I could use some help.”

ANSWER: Unfortunately most women know little about proper hygiene and care of the intimate area. It is not coincidental that many women call the private area “down there” because they are nervous to spell out the proper names for the vagina, pubis, clitoris etc. Worse is the fact that besides avoiding open communication about sexual concerns, their hesitance to deal with intimate issues such as painful sexuality, proper vaginal cleansing, and dealing with vaginal conditions from dryness to irritation or infection causes them not only physical but often also emotional relationship problems. The third largest reason after the flu and common cold why women go to the doctor is for vaginal problems. Over 30% of such visits are due to the use of improper products and/ or improper care of the vaginal area. The fact that many women avoid seeing a medical professional when they first detect a vaginal condition such as a yeast infection can have serious health consequences. There are many strains of the yeast fungus. Not all can be treated effectively by the most common over-the-counter yeast remedies. Sometimes these well known yeast remedies can stop the symptoms such as itching and discharge, but they don’t eliminate the infection and more serious problems may result. According to statistics, 43% of women suffer from vaginal dryness. That is why women use a lubricant and/or intimate moisturizer before and during sexual activity. What they don’t know is that the lubricant they chose may not be FDA approved for intra-vaginal use, i.e. in the vaginal arena or canal. There are two classes of lubricants/moisturizers, both available over-the counter and without prescription. They appear to be the same, but they are not. Many common lubricants are classified as cosmetics. These are not approved by the FDA for inside vaginal use and internal use. The others, medical grade class of lubricants/intimate moisturizers are FDA approved for intra-vaginal use. They have been tested for safety by the FDA and are classified as medical device products. Obviously simple cosmetic lubes that are not allowed to be used inside the vagina cannot be effective or, if used anyhow, can represent a health risk. To eliminate the potential discomfort or pain of vaginal dryness the product must be applied between the vaginal lips and inside the vaginal canal. Two safe choices that are FDA approved are KY® lubricating Jelly and Very Private® Intimate Moisture. Very Private also received the OB/gyn.net “Seal of Approval” for safety and efficacy. Both brands are available on many internet sites such as drugstore.com. For daily vaginal hygiene most gynecologists advise against douching. They advise against scented washes, soaps or bubble baths containing unnecessary additives such as flavors or plant extracts that may disturb the delicate vaginal environment. Recommended are pH balanced soaps or cleansers such as the Very Private Body Wash. Women spend lots of time and money preserving their beauty. A little intimacy care and knowledge may well make their intimate lives much more satisfying.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2009-12-01 10:17:00

Question: A reader writes. “Most time my husband and I see eye to eye except when getting into our car driving to a destination unknown to either of us. I’m trying hard to read street names in the dark. However, Gordon keeps zipping around corners obviously ignoring the directions I read out loud to him. By now we’re half an hour late and, once again, clearly lost. “Please stop,” I plead. “Let’s ask for directions.” His answer is expected and definitive. “I know exactly where we are!” So we continue to drive around in strange neighborhoods to no avail, tension mounting till a nasty argument erupts. Why can’t men listen?”

Answer: Avoiding asking for directions seems to be a well documented male thing. Guys don’t like to admit that they don’t know where they are going. They don’t like having their authority questioned. It makes them feel belittled. Somehow they have this notion that they were born with an extra male gene that will always guide them to where they want to go. Good news! This male versus female dilemma can now be solved; simply get your guy a GPS system this Christmas. I surprised my gadget loving significant other with a little genie called the Nuvi 755T, made by the Garmin Company. We took Nuvi to Europe, installed it in our rental car and criss-crossed Sicily without any glitches or arguments. Nuvi, connected to a satellite, found even the most remote little sites and restaurants we had on our list. Even I, a total non-techie, have learned to program the Nuvi. Software for any country is available in multiple languages in stores or on the internet. Best of all, car arguments, unhappy efforts to find our way are past history! The next male versus female issue is of a public nature. A large number of Congressional guys, in this case Democrats, believe they know what’s best for women in terms of health care choices. They couldn’t be more wrong. A recent poll, commissioned by the Independent Women’s Forum (IWF), among all parties, including independents, may actually drive women to turn their backs on the Democrats come voting time. Women want no part of the health care bills that the Dems are pushing down their throats. By an overwhelming margin women strongly prefer their own care. Three out of four women, (74%), rate their own health plans as good or excellent. 77% believe that their own care is as good as or better than what others have. 64% of them like their private insurance which they rate good or excellent and object to government run health plans. An overwhelming 81% believe that any public option will cause a decline in the quality of care and an increase in taxes that their family will have to pay, which the Federal Office of Management and Budget confirms. They also feel that the government charging a penalty to those who don’t choose to buy in, is unfair. They are strongly against the passage of a bill that will increase the Federal deficit for future generations. Females make up 50% of the workforce and the electorate. They earn their own money and insist on the right to spend it for insurance they want and not what Congress thinks is best for them. Yet the Dems and their leader in the White House don’t seem to care. With 2010 approaching, it’s high time that males listen to what women want or face the consequences.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2009-11-01 15:55:00

Question: How can you give your partner advice without it sounding like criticism?

Answer: Here are some examples of advice that came out as criticism. Married couple: “John, give me your honest opinion, which dress suits me better, the blue or the print?” “The blue, it makes you look trimmer.” “Do you have to rub it in that I gained a couple of pounds?” Dating couple: “Alice, you’re good at decorating. What do you think of this carpet for the living room?” “It’s a little too busy, especially for that big an area.” “I should have known. You never agree with my choice. It’s so irritating?” Sounds familiar? You’re asked for your opinion. You give your honest advice but….your partner hears it as blatant criticism. Within moments negative reactions and hurt feelings pile up on both sides. Partner one perceives they’re being criticized. Partner two feels attacked unfairly, having done nothing more than answer a simple request for advice. The interchange that follows often continues like this: “If you don’t want my opinion, why ask me?” And from there the discord is building adding to each partner’s bucket of discontent about the other. How can we circumvent one of the primary reasons for continuous relationship disconnects which eventually erode the very fabric of love? What one partner perceives as advice or constructive criticism is mostly viewed as quite the opposite by the other. Consequently the issue to focus on is how to break this destructive pattern. That means understanding and admitting to yourself and the other the shortcomings that rattle each other’s cage. We all have flaws. Admitting them, discussing them in a caring way and having the willingness to make adjustments or changes are a definitive way to make dramatic improvements in the relationship. Many among us interpret a simple opinion as scathing criticism. Why? Quite often the onsets of such feelings are due to hurtful childhood experiences we never really dealt with. In many cases overly critical parents may have caused the original damage, evoking feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy. Later in life, innocent opinions expressed by a partner can trigger the same painful childhood traumas. By discussing our fears and flaws openly with our partner or, in some cases with a therapist, we can learn to let go of them, to avoid statements that can be interpreted the wrong way, express our opinions in positive terms rather than being critical, or worse, contemptuous of our partner. In this light, let’s review our two examples from above and see how John and Alice could have avoided misunderstandings? “John, give me your honest opinion. Which dress suits me better, the blue or the print?” “Darling, you always look great. But I think the blue one is particularly flattering.” “Alice, you’re good at decorating. What do you think of this carpet for the living room?” “It’s an interesting pattern. Maybe you could ask them to let you borrow a couple of samples before making a final choice.” In each case the questioned partners shows support for the other which is elementary in building goodwill in the relationship. Replacing empathy, kindness and goodwill and silencing criticism, perceived and real, can make dramatic changes in how both of you feel about each other. Guaranteed!

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2009-09-01 14:47:00

QUESTION: What can you tell me about health management for older adults?

ANSWER: I have written my column for over ten years and have always been trying to inform my readers so they can make sound choices as to their health, happiness and lives. A high percentage of my readers are women and boomers or more mature senior citizens. This is one of the reasons I follow all information regarding health care reform avidly. The more mature in our population are the very people most needing of care, most prone to devastating illness such as cancer, and most at risk in losing out when these proposed reforms are enacted. An article in the Wall Street Journal on July 31, 2009 written by Myrna Ulfik, she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, considered an incurable cancer, in 2000. Her words are eloquent and deeply felt when she speaks about the reasons for still being alive today. She speaks for many of us. “I am still here because my care was managed by doctors -- not a government agency. My doctors do what the bureaucracy can’t: They see me as a human being.” Patient-as-person will be a lost concept under the new health-care plan, where treatments will be based not upon individual patient needs, but upon what’s best for everyone. So cancer drugs for seniors might take second place. In order to finance health-care reform, Democrats in Congress have proposed cutting $500 billion from Medicare over the next 10 years. Yet in his press conference last Wednesday, President Barrack Obama denied that Medicare benefits would be cut. In spite of the president’s assurances, there is every sign that this plan will be financed by deep cuts to Medicare, which, like the public option, will limit payments for specialists, radiology scans, and cutting-edge cancer drugs. Despite its warts, our system works. Carelessly tinkering with it will have a world-wide penalty – the stifling of new drug development. The number of Americans who have cancer exceeds 10 million. It’s time for cancer patients and their families to remind those on Capitol Hill that health-care reform is a matter of life and death for us. Being a breast cancer survivor myself and concerned about potential cancer reoccurrence, the possibility that research for new drugs and technologies will be cut is a threat to all individuals. For a moment, let’s focus on members of Congress who propose these new laws. It is a fact that they receive the best health care plan possible, of course at taxpayer’s expense. With all the talk of cutting health care costs, it is interesting to note that health care coverage afforded members of congress has increased, not decreased. In a recent poll, congressional members were asked if they would switch to the public health care option from their current package. Their answers were clear and telling: No. Obviously, they understand how to take care of themselves. What’s best for them, however, doesn’t apply to the rest of us. Think about that.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2009-05-01 11:45:00

QUESTION: First date disconnects - Tell me why?

ANSWER: “He’s Just Not That Into You” is the book that started the national first date debate. Yet the pivotal question remains unanswered: Why was there no second date? What turned him or her off? Our inquiry among women and men reveals the key reasons why daters first encounter didn’t lead to a second meeting. “Right from the get-go, he expected me to make the first moves and pursue him. If the guy isn’t interested enough to pursue me, he’s not my guy. I am liberated; I’ve always earned my own money. Still, I want a man to be a man. I expect him to call me first, to pick me up and treat me like I’m important to him. That’s what I expect, and he’ll get my serious attention. Otherwise – good bye.” “We sat next to each other at a concert and struck up a conversation. We exchanged phone numbers. She called the next day saying that she was going out of town and wanted to connect before leaving. I thought this was ok, she showed me that she was interested. We had our first date. During dinner she was all over me, promoting upcoming events to attend together. Her pushy ways made me uncomfortable. I like to be the pursuer. If a woman is too available, it turns me off.” I never responded to her messages.” No matter how emancipated we have become, both men and women still have strong feelings about enacting their traditional roles. Women complained over and over again about the lack of initiative on the part of men; they’re indecisive, giving mixed signals. Many males suggested that women have become too aggressive, too independent and lost some of their femininity; “I like a woman to be girly and cuddly at times.” Both sexes agreed that their worst dating experiences were based on internet encounters when they discovered during that first date that the people had completely misrepresented themselves. Avoiding disconnects: •When on your date show that you’re genuinely interested in your partner. Guys: please don’t stare at other women. Keep your chauvinism in check. •Ladies: don’t interrupt his conversation. Leave your “I’m your equal” attitude at home. •While open communication is essential, listening is equally important. Even if you disagree with what he or she says, don’t argue. Present your point of view in a nice and non-confrontational way. •Remember, you’re there to learn about each other. The emphasis is on each other. •Guys, while you think it’s not cool to call too quickly for a second date, don’t wait till Thursday if you plan to see her on the weekend. It’s not respectful. •Ladies: you’re NOT available when he finally gets around to calling you. No matter what, decline his last moment effort so he understands that you have an enjoyable life without him. •For both: Don’t just call for a date because you have nothing better to do. Call because you are genuinely interested to get to know the other. •Good personal hygiene and a nice appearance are important. Says she: “His teeth were all stained. I knew right away I could never kiss him. And his car was a mess. He clearly didn’t have much respect for himself or me.” Says he: “She is a pretty woman but she wore something very low cut and tons of make-up. I felt embarrassed walking into the restaurant with her where I was known.” •Finally, if the chemistry works, always treat your date like you want to be treated. That’s the secret to landing a second date.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2009-05-01 11:45:00

QUESTION: “This is the second marriage for both of us. Hot romance in the beginning, now, ten years later, we avoid retiring at the same time. Frankly, there is so little communication between us; we’re sleeping in the same bed but feel miles apart. Sexually I have withdrawn almost completely. I have been experiencing great discomfort during penetration. Sex is a burden rather than a joy. I keep inventing excuses and then feel guilty about it. We both have been avoiding reality for years. Recently I found out that my husband was seeing another woman. I felt like falling off a cliff. Filled with fear about losing him it’s so overwhelming, I feel paralyzed.” ~ Nancy

ANSWER: Faced with the probability of losing her partner, Nancy recognized that her love investment in her husband was still deeply meaningful to her. Years of missed communication and repressed feelings can deaden any relationship. Finally partners feel so far apart, they live under the same roof, share the same bed but have become emotional strangers. Can this gulf between them ever be overcome? A catharsis like the one Nancy experienced can provoke a reversal of the relationship. It is, however, a slow and difficult process often easier to achieve with the help of a professional marriage counselor. A turnaround can only happen if both partners are totally committed to rebuilding the relationship. Each must take responsibility for the behavior he or she contributed that caused the erosion of the relationship. Both partners must find the courage to let go of the accumulated anger toward the other and be able to forgive. Without a clean emotional slate, love and caring cannot blossom. Self evaluation and acceptance of responsibility of one’s own action is step one. Opening up to each other through frequent and caring communication is point two. Accusatory phrases like “you always” have no place in this process. Don’t look to the other to change, seek change in yourself. It is the only way that little by little friendship, trust and even loving can be reestablished. Sexual desire often follows. Finally, resolving Nancy’s sexual problems is also part of the solution. It is common for most women approaching menopause, going through it or being post it to experience multiple symptoms of change. As hormone levels, both estrogen and testosterone, diminish, there is less blood flow to the genital organs. The vaginal walls become thinner and the vaginal tissue is dryer. Many women experience discomfort and pain during intercourse, many feel a loss of sexual desire and enjoyment, due to the decline of hormones including the “libido” hormone testosterone. It declines about 50% between the ages of 20 to 45. Women therefore may need longer stimulation to reach climax. In many cases, orgasm can be less intense. When necessary vaginal moisture is not available caused by lack of estrogen, sexual activity can become so painful that women simply withdraw from intimacy. A gynecologist may advise a specific hormone prescription. For women wishing to avoid any hormone based products, there are effective non-hormonal products available sold over the counter; medical grade lubricants or vaginal moisturizers such as Very Private® are safe and very effective. They are FDA approved and allowed for intra-vaginal use which most common lubricants are not. They will eliminate vaginal dryness instantly to make love-making very comfortable and enjoyable again.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2008-12-31 10:40:00

QUESTION: How do couples manage their money when their love grows into more?

ANSWER: Statistics say that money issues are the number one reason why couples argue. It is also the prime cause in over 90% of all divorces. And most psychologists agree that it is the one subject that couples prefer not to discuss. Have you ever asked yourself what money means to you? If you’re about to move to a long range relationship, or if, in your marriage, money problems are looming, it’s high time to air the issues and talk money, openly and honestly. People attach very different meaning to money. Some equate it with power, success and control. Many see money as security or even as a proof of love. Some fear constantly of not having money. Feelings about money are deep and often the cause of misunderstandings. In a new or established relationship, money issues need to be discussed with honesty and openness on a regular basis. To communicate with each other, you first need to know where you stand, not only in terms of what you have and seek, but understand what money means to you. As a single, you’ve been used to making your financial decisions. Becoming a couple, you may be apprehensive to share your assets or even your financial information. Assuming your new partner is wealthier than you and offers to take care of you, does that make you happy or ill at ease? If you assets are more substantial than those of your partner, you may fear loosing money especially if you feel that the way he or she handles financial responsibilities is ill advised. Whatever the circumstances, frank communication is the only basis to avoid pitfalls in new or established relationships. Establish guidelines together from the beginning and revise your plan when financial circumstances change. Be clear about who owns what, who spends what, who pays which bills and from which account. Foggy money plans lead to emotional collisions. If your partner ignores the rules, speak up soon and rectify the problem. If it happens repeatedly, recognize that you have a problem that may require professional help. For new couples it is critical to understand each other’s financial picture before starting life together and co-mingling their funds: • Exchange a list of your assets, your own monthly budget, your yearly income and your debts. • Agree on your financial goals. • Based on this information establish the “together” budget. • Do it early in the relationship, before the first calamity hits. • When you work out the “together” budget resolve numbers and discuss the feelings you have about the different money issues. • Both of you should be comfortable with your final decisions before you document them to avoid misunderstandings. • Some couples have a his, a hers and a common bank account. Others choose to have their own credit cards so they can decide how to use their spending money. • Don’t forget dollars for Christmas, birthdays and vacations. • Try to save six months of living expenses in case of financial reversals. Make it part of your savings plan. • Explore carefully how to invest the money you save. • Decide who pays the bills. • Discuss buying big money items such as a car together and adjust your budget accordingly. • If neither of you is financially savvy, get help from a financial counselor, your banker or a savvy friend before money issues may overwhelm you. • Knowing about your money is the first step to financial security. • Happy sailing.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2008-12-01 14:19:00

I have been seeing a man who had lost his wife after a 37-year happy marriage. From this casual encounter a deep friendship evolved. During the first three months Ben often talked about his relationship with his late wife, sharing the sadness that was in him with me. As the months went by and his spirit slowly changed, he became more optimistic, more desirous of exploring how to build a new life. Ben began to ask me for advice on anything from managing a home to learning the current rules of dating. I felt kind of funny explaining to him that being more cautious in exploring sexuality was mandatory nowadays, especially since he had no clue about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) or the necessity to discuss HIV or Herpes with a potential sexual partner. I assumed that Ben saw other women since our relationship never ventured into romantic territories. We enjoyed movies, musical events and weekly dinners and talks together. One evening, out of the blue, Ben suggested taking our relationship to a new, intimate level. I was truly taken aback. Having enjoyed our liaison as it was, I had not really anticipated becoming intimate partners. I didn’t know what to say. Ben was sensitive to my silence, not trying to push me for an immediate decision. Some weeks later while having dinner, Ben seemed especially wistful. He said he really wasn’t happy living alone. “I want to be with the woman I love every day. That’s what makes me happy!” His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I denied him the opportunity to meet someone else? I heard his message clearly. That night I couldn’t sleep. I examined the complex feelings I had for him. I clearly cared for Ben and liked him profoundly. I respected him and appreciated his values, his many talents. I understood there were differences in our lifestyles but realized they could be overcome. Why couldn’t I see myself involved with him sexually? The truth was, that drive, that desire simply wasn’t there. My feelings for him were of profound friendship but not love. I was both saddened and frightened at my recognition. I knew I owed him total honesty, so I was pained by the thought that admitting how I felt may hurt him. I also was frightened to lose our connection. The next morning I wrote him a letter in which I stated the truth and assured him that my deep commitment of friendship would never be broken. What I know is this – honesty between partners, even partners in friendship or partners in love, is fundamental to feeling right and doing right. Feeling right about our own being and doing right by the people that count in our lives. This season give the gift of honesty. It requires neither dollars nor ribbons but can profoundly affect your life. Offering truth to one another can reverse long festering wrongs. It can diffuse the curtain of doubt and bring back trust. It can help estranged partners become close again and release the joy of life and love. It can make you feel really good about yourself. All it takes is the courage to look inward, deeply, and recognize the truth and own up to it. Understanding our true feelings can liberate us from emotional shackles and free our hearts to feel the happiness we deserve. Happy Holidays!

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2008-07-01 15:11:00

Question: What are two daily vitamins with big health payoffs?

Answer: Miracle worker one is Omega-3. It includes three fatty acids and is essential for cell health and especially beneficial for those at risk of cardiovascular disease. One of the fatty acids in Omega-3 called EPA is a key player in the prevention of cardiovascular disease. Another, DHA contributes to the development and protection of the brain and nerves. Since our body does not manufacture these fatty acids, it is essential to get our daily intake either through our diet or supplements. Omega-3 can be found in salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines, also in walnuts, flaxseed, cauliflower, kale or other dark, leafy veggies, or else in supplements. The American Heart Association recommends “eating fish at least twice a week” and states that “a total intake of 1.5 to 3grams per day seems beneficial.” Mayo Clinic scientists state that the most impressive evidence attributed to Omega-3 is in the area of cardiovascular disease. Multiple trials have documented that these nutrients help lower blood pressure and reduce triglycerides and the risk of heart attack. Additionally Omega-3 reduces inflammation and can cut the risk of stroke caused by plaque build up or blood clots. “This compelling data comes from three trials with 32,000 participants. They showed reductions in cardiovascular events of 19 to 45 percent. The findings suggest that intake of Omega-3 fatty acids should be increased either through food or fish oil supplements,” says Cardiologist, Dr. James O’Keefe at Mid America Heart Institute. Another important UCLA study concludes that DHA from Omega-3 protects the brain against the development of Alzheimer’s disease. This fatty acid produces a protein that destroys the beta amyloidal deposits that form plaques in the brains of AD patients and impair mental function. The other miracle worker is Vitamin D which the body makes by being exposed to the sun. Vitamin D has long been credited with protection against various cancers including breast, colon, kidney and ovarian cancer. It helps the body absorb calcium which is beneficial for bone health. A lack of Vitamin D leads to osteoporosis and rickets in children. Vitamin D is created by daily exposure to the full sun on unprotected skin (about 20 minutes, too much sun can be detrimental and is blamed for the increase in skin cancer.) D is also found in foods such as fatty fish, vitamin-D fortified milk or daily supplements. The latest studies identify important evidence; men with low levels of vitamin D have an elevated risk of heart attack. The author of the study, Dr. Edward Giovanucci of the Harvard School of Public Health and Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston states that “Men deficient in Vitamin D are about 2 ½ times more likely to have a heart attack than those with higher levels of the vitamin. Moreover, this group being at higher risk for heart attacks in general, they are particularly at high risk to have a fatal attack.” This ten year project involved 454 people ages 40 to 75 that had suffered a nonfatal heart attack or died of heart disease, as well as 900 men with no history of cardiovascular problems. Other studies from Harvard Medical School corroborate these new findings. “Traditionally physicians focused on bone deficiencies associated with a lack of vitamin D,” says Dr. Giovannucci. “More recently vitamin D’s important role in heart health has been documented and should encourage everyone to ensure they have normal vitamin D levels. A simple blood test is all that’s needed, and any deficiency can be remedied by taking vitamin D supplements.” Please take heart!

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2008-05-01 13:20:00

Question: Why can’t I remember his name?

Answer: For just a moment I completely blanked out the name of my partner’s son who I know well. When similar lapses happened, I was clearly annoyed at myself, but attributed these incidents with being on overload. Over time I became aware that such “embarrassing moments” seemed to happen more regularly. There was no doubt, something in my brain’s ability to recall was not functioning as well as it had been. Was there anything I could do about it? Enter Michael Merzenich, Ph.D, professor for Integrative Neurosciences at the University of California at San Francisco, inventor with over 50 patents to his name, and Chief Science Officer at Posit Science whose company is on the forefront of developing mental health fitness programs for aging brains. Dr. Merzenich’s brain research dates back to the l980s, when he discovered how animal brains changed as they acquired new skills. These observations led him to develop protocols to improve brain fitness in humans. “Think of the brain as a road map,” he explains. “When a baby’s brain is forming, the major highways are marked first. Over time, as the brain acquires more and more information, this road map gets denser and denser. Eventually the information that’s recorded on the map will incorporate even the smallest little lane (details). In our youth we take it for granted that we generally have no problems accessing our own information. Yet, the reverse happens as we age. The tiny details on the map become fuzzier, and we experience some difficulty accessing our own data. Research shows that a sixty year old brain takes in information two to three times slower than a twenty year old brain because many details on the “map” have become a little blurry. At eighty the brain may be five to eight times slower,” says Dr. Merzenich. What we believe to be simple forgetfulness or multi-tasking overload are actually the symptoms of brain aging. The good news, however, is that research has also proven that the aging brain can grow new, strong neural connections, and we can improve brain fitness by regular exercise. Under his guidance, his company has developed two products to improve memory and cognition (thinking and processing speed). The first program is focused on listening, the other on visual exercises, both are computer aided. Given the strong interest of 78 million baby boomers to maintain their physical and mental fitness, an array of brain improvement products have recently hit the market, from various computer games to brain improvement books. The only programs I have personally tested are those from Posit Science. I first used the computer aided Brain Fitness program and made it through 40 sessions. It took a definite commitment on my part to make this form of exercise a priority in my crowded schedule. During the “work-out” I chose a place where I could not be disturbed because I learned quickly that absolute focus is necessary. You really have to listen hard. But to my great satisfaction, I noticed a definite improvement in memory after finishing the program which is costly, $395. -- but to many worth it. Feeling pretty good about having recaptured some of my lost brain functionality, I took a vacation from brain exercises for one year and a half. Unhappily I noticed that the “old” memory lapses reoccurred. So I decided to take the visually focused course next. I am pleased to report that I felt a greater alertness to details, especially while driving, even after the first ten sessions. Ultimately, the lesson is clear, you have to stick with it, just like physical exercise, to stay fit in body and mind.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2008-03-01 09:38:00

Question: “Older Women -Younger Men! Does it work?”

Answer: A stunning poll by AARP states that just about one third of women between the ages of forty and sixty-nine are dating younger men. Younger, in this survey, is defined as 10 or more years younger. The poll further states that almost 17% of women in their 50s have a preference for men in their 40s. Movie stars like Demi Moore have long praised the benefits of having a younger companion in their lives. Millions of women agree and have joined the ranks, and the stigma that used to be associated with an older woman dating a younger companion is fading fast. A handsome widower whose wife was ten years older comments “Our age difference was never an issue. We had a wonderful marriage of 31 years because were unusually compatible.” “What counts is how well the two individuals can form a partnership that works,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of many outstanding relationship books you can find at www.tinatessina.com. “Younger men enjoy the stability of an older woman who knows her mind and her heart.” As in all relationships the real key to an enduring love is shared interests, similar energy levels and emotional, intellectual and physical compatibility. Research suggests that women enjoy their sexuality greatly in their later years. They are comfortable with themselves; they know who they are and what they want. They have reached a certain level of sophistication and success in life, many are financially settled and often more interesting to talk to which younger men find particularly attractive. They are also more appreciative and let it be known how much they enjoy a younger man’s energy and enthusiasm, unlike younger women who often expect these assets as a given. There are a number of other reasons why the trend is taking hold in our society? For one, older women can look so much younger today. Procedures from anti-wrinkle injections to cosmetic surgery can take unwanted years and pounds off her. Additionally, staying healthier and in good shape is far more easy today. From Yoga to Pilates, home exercise with tapes, classes at the corner gym, there are literally endless ways to spruce up body and mind. Additionally, a significant number of older women are coming back into the dating market because of more frequent divorces after long-term marriages or simply because they live longer. On a recent evening I attended a social event of a club called “Older Women, Younger Men.” The younger males I talked to were decidedly clear as to why they prefer older woman. “They are more interesting and more accepting and a lot less needy. Younger women never stop wanting whereas a mature women’s attractiveness as a person can easily overcome biological factors. Age is only a problem in your own head. It is definitely not an inherent negative in any relationship.”

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2008-02-01 11:16:00

I’ve discovered as I get older, I can’t quite trust people the way I used to. I feel like it could do some damage to my marriage. Is there any help out there for people who just can’t trust anymore?

Trust is a fundamental requirement in friendship and love; it is also an underlying essential to commercial interaction between trading partners and equally important in the relationships among nations. Trust permeates our daily lives and regulates our decision making. New research published in the latest science journal Nature reports on a startling discovery; it states that the neuro-peptide, oxytocin, can be distilled into a nasal spray and increase a person’s level of trust even toward absolute strangers. This hormone which evolved 100 million years ago to aid mating among fish and breast-feeding among mammals also promotes trust between human beings. The research was done at the University of Zurich, Switzerland and Claremont Graduate University, under the leadership of renowned scientist, Professor Paul J. Zak. It demonstrated that people who inhaled several puffs of the oxytocin spray were significantly more willing to risk losing their money by turning it over to a total stranger. Why we trust someone and not another is little understood. Empathy seems to play a significant role. However, this latest discovery suggests that oxytocin influences trust behavior patterns. Consequently scientists postulate that anti-social, even socio-pathic behavior may be linked to insufficient levels of oxytocin causing lack of empathy. At an aggregate level, multiple surveys on trust-worthiness show enormous differences across countries, from low, 3% trust levels in Brazil to high 65% trust levels among the Norwegian population. In our own lives building trust is based on interactions between potential partners over time. As we increase our knowledge of the other and build a history of interactions, our levels of trust either increase or decrease. In essence, trust level is one of the most accurate predictors if a relationship will successfully develop or run into trouble. Once trust is broken, it may take twice as long as it originally did to trust the transgressor again. Yet, there hardly is a couple, there hardly exists a relationship in which one or the other partner engages in an action or demonstrates a behavior pattern that may test, undermine or break the trust of the other. Can a single action or a series of actions, such as straying from the marriage or spending all the money that was earmarked for their vacation together become the incidence that marks the end of togetherness because the trust is irreparably broken? Every couple married or not, faces issues of trust sooner or later. What we are sure of is that a relationship cannot survive without trust? So how can we rebuild this essential ingredient? Firstly, when we loose trust, we shouldn’t make reckless decisions if we value the relationship at all. We need to consider honestly in which way the relationship has enriched our lives. How much good have we invested in it, how much love and caring, how much thoughtfulness, how much empathy have we brought to the party. Is it possible that our own actions or the lack thereof is part and parcel of the transgression that our partner committed? The very fact that we give these issues serious consideration is a reflection of the value the relationship has for us. If that is the case, we can find the way to redress and forgive transgressions by initiating caring, open dialogue, by admitting our part in misunderstandings, misgivings, and mistakes, thus building a new basis of trust. It is not unusual for couples to actually bond more fundamentally and establish greater closeness if they find a way together to overcoming a break of trust. With Valentine approaching, it may well be worthwhile to examine and resolve the issues among you that keep you from trusting and thus recovering: how good it feels to loving fully and trusting deeply because our heart, and maybe our hormones as well, tell us this is the right thing to do. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-12-01 10:04:00

What if you could decree that in some miraculous way the whole world would agree to a week of peace?

Everyone would put down their arms, everyone would let go of anger, stop fighting and embrace peaceful coexistence and forgiveness. How wonderful if this dream could become reality! My rational brain knows all too well that wishful thinking may not change the woes of the world. But I also know with certainty that there is a way to change one’s own life for the better and recapture the joy of being. Achieving inner peace is entirely possible if we are willing to chase our soul’s negative inventory and let loving thoughts in. The process to achieve a state of happiness starts with the decision to ban all the anger and hurts we’ve been accumulating for days, months, even years. Holding on to resentment or hurt undermines our lives, professionally and personally. Harboring negatives leads to depression, poor decision making and negative behavior. There is abundant research documenting that holding on to repressed anger or resentment actually causes stress chemicals to be released in our bodies. They, in turn, contribute to health risks and may even cause a serious health event. So how do we go about ridding ourselves of accumulated “grief and gripe inventory”? The decision to do so is half the battle. It is most effective to start reviewing the true sentiments toward the people we are closest to; our love or life partner, our children, in-laws, friends, relatives or even the people at work or neighbors – all the folks that are in our lives or cross our lives regularly. How many among them appear on our “grievance” list? How many grudges, small or large, do we harbor against them? Why do we store these ill feelings? To what benefit? Just to seek revenge or keep these trespassers at a distance? Or is it time to consider forgiveness? Even though we still feel that we were wronged, even though we have endured painful events, we can choose forgiveness as the step to a happier life; forgiving ourselves, forgiving the people who wronged us, forgiving life which is hardly ever fair. Nobody else has the power to change our inner landscape from turmoil to peacefulness. Only we do. We can practice the process by opening a loving discourse with the person that means most to us. Set some ground rules if you choose to have a “forgiveness” conversation. All participants agree to a constructive, caring review with the objective to wipe out past wrongs. The rewards are instant. Everybody will feel good about having a chance to a new beginning, about being invited back into your heart. Forgiveness does not mean that if our partner or friend or child offended us, this is ok. It is not. And you may certainly express that thought. But what happened in the past cannot be undone, it can only be forgiven. The state of peacefulness can be reestablished if the willingness to forgive and forget is meant. Opening our hearts without reservations can make a real difference in every single day of our lives. This is the season to make gifts to ourselves. Stepping out of the roles of victims and become happiness spreaders. Looking for the good and knowing that we can forgive the bad. As a tangible act of faith we can express our sentiments by sending out “forgiveness notes” to all we have harbored ill thoughts in the past. There is no doubt that we will respect ourselves for having the strength to execute this act of good will. Remember, we may not be able to change the world for the better, but we are able to affect our own world, and the good feelings we spread will reverberate a thousand times. I wish you a joyous holiday.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-12-01 10:04:00

You’re single because your long-time marriage partner passed away. Maybe you’re on your own again because your second marriage, like the first, ended in divorce or tired of the single life, you settled on someone that wasn’t quite right and after a couple of months ended the less than happy togetherness. So what is the key to your next relationship? Clearly it’s your expectations.

No couple is 100% compatible. Research suggest that most couples are probably less than 50% compatible in their responses, feelings and decision making over time. There’s nothing wrong with that if the expectation of both partners is reality based. That means, they are both willing to deal in a caring and supportive way in overcoming differences of opinions and feelings to make the relationship work. However, if they expect compatibility to be 80% or 90% or better, they’re bound to be disappointed. Finding the right partner is never easy. But it’s a lot easier when we’re young and less burdened with past experiences. In the early years of our lives the partner pool is larger, and we’re more open because we don’t know what to expect. As we age, the choices become more restricted. At this point in our lives, we base much of our judgment on past experiences. Experiences with other mates, lovers, husbands and intimate friends, both good and bad, form our beliefs and, in turn, govern what we expect from future relationships. Past history becomes the basis of future expectations for life in general and potential relationships in particular. The often quoted excuse of partner scarcity doesn’t seem a problem when seekers adjust their expectations to reality. But when they expect to find the perfect partner or soul mate their quest may yield no or poor results. Fact: Perfection doesn’t exist. What is perfect to one person is unacceptable to another. Our own expectation may misguide us and pass on people with whom we could have a harmonious life together. “We were so totally in love, I want nothing less than that,” says an attractive single who complains that “she hasn’t met anybody acceptable though I’ve tried almost anything.” She engaged in several years of internet dating, joined single groups, even tried trips with a museum group -- yet 14 later she years is still alone and regrets having “passed” on some men who, in retrospect, would probably have made great companions. “I had a wonderful marriage for 31 years,” remarks a friend who’s become a widower. “I’ve been blessed. But I don’t expect to find the same thing again. Life is an adventure. I am open to a totally new chapter.” Clearly, his expectations are realistic, and he is bound to find another compatible partner. Fact: No partner can’t be perfect. Demanding everything leaves no room for flaws which we all have. Asking for perfection means turning a blind eye to our partner’s differences; characteristics or issues. Perfection ignores tolerance for another individual’s beliefs or behavior patterns. It means not being able or willing to see the real person and love that person as they are but being fixed on a phantom partner that only exists in our own mind. We should be clear about what we expect from a relationship, present or future and able to state in a nice way what we want, assuming we know what we want. What exactly do we expect from our partner? How do we communicate with each other? Daily, several times a day, every evening? What are our expectations about sex, about finances, about time together versus time apart, about sharing responsibilities, about family, in-laws and friends? Incorrect expectations in any of these basic areas of life are bound lead to relationship difficulties. Realistic expectations, on the other hand, in terms of our potential or current partner may give us just what we want: the enrichment of each other’s life and enjoyment of companionship and love we treasure.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-11-01 09:35:00

Women who shy away from talking about their stress and strain in their lives with their partners increased their risk of premature death by four times. Is this true?

Dr. Elaine Eaker, famous Epidemiologist and President of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises presented the results of her latest study conducted in association with Boston University. The research project involved 1,769 men and 1,913 women between the ages of 18 and 77 over a ten year period. The findings for men who won’t express stressful subjects were markedly different from that of women. Their life expectancy remained the same over the ten years.

All participants received extensive physical exams and were asked detailed questions about their partnership lives and attitudes. A telling question examined which were the subjects causing most discord
or even fights between the partners? "Sex" is what men answered most often. Women instead quoted money, children and chores.

Dr. Eaker’s study objective was to examine the connection between marital discord and heart disease and death.

Her findings add considerable weight to a growing amount of research going back to the 1980s and documenting similar conclusions. Marital stress substantially increases higher risk of heart attacks in women 30 to 65 and the severity of congestive heart failure in male and female patients. When facts speak that loudly, it is worthwhile to examine our own behavior and find ways to reduce or eliminate stress in our own relationships. The obvious answer is improved partner communication which is not always easy to achieve, especially if years of miscommunication and misunderstanding have accumulated. So what steps can we take to make real changes to reduce discord and protect our health:

• Don’t let time settle over unresolved arguments. Don’t sleep on them and repress them further. They won’t go away. Talk them out at the earliest possible time so they don’t fester and undermine your health. Instead invite your partner to find a caring way to hear each other out. Do it as a matter of course. Remember, words have tremendous power. Consider how you present your problems and the tone you want to strike. Kindness never hurts.

• Avoid accusatory statements, openings such as "you always", "I’m never right" Competing to win an argument is always counter-productive in a relationship.

• Talk from your heart, not your brain. Your partner can sense if you’re faking it. Have true intent to find a solution together, and you will succeed. The result may not be 100% to your satisfaction, but arriving at a compromise without rancor will make each of you feel proud of the way you handled yourself and bring you closer. Hold on to a cooperative rather than the antagonist model when confrontations loom. Attack only pushes you further apart. Good intent is felt by both. Words like "let’s both try to resolve this without anger" can pave the way. When you learn to solve a problem together, you can do it again and again till it becomes second nature.

• Give each other at least ten good minutes each day. Many partners are so totally wrapped up with jobs, children or grandchildren, any number of daily activities, by the time they go to bed another day has gone by without connecting with each other. Every day make your partner feel valued. An unexpected phone call, e-mail or simple praise works wonders.

Experience being together, not just doing together. Hear each other out. Talk. Touch. Ten good minutes daily can go a long way to building a sustainable and loving partnership as well as keeping you healthy in body and mind.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-10-01 11:09:00

Is it true that once you get older your sex life diminishes?

A recently published study from the University of Chicago has focused on the sexual behaviors and sexual function of aging Americans. It completely destroys the myth that older generations are either not able to engage in sexuality or not interested. Americans, both men and women, are indeed pursuing sexual activity well into their 60s, 70s and 80s. This national survey is based on the participation of 1550 women and 1455 men between the ages of 57 to 85 years of age, questioned during a two-hour face to face interview. All participants in good health reported sexual activity, women, in general, were less likely than men at all ages to state that they were sexually active. Two facts are clear: sexual activity does decline with age and is definitely affected by a person’s health. Poor health of a person or a person’s partner may be the single most quoted reason identified with sexual inactivity. In the preceding 12 months, 73% of all surveyed participants ages 57 to 64, 53% of them ages 65 to 74 and 26% of them ages 75 to 85 said they were sexually active. Among participants reporting good or excellent health 81% of men and 51% of women reported sexual activity during the past year. In sharp contrast only 47% of men and 26% of women who rated themselves in fair or poor health reported having been sexually active during that time. Further, half of all sexually active respondents reported certain sexual problems. Among women the most prevalent problems was low desire (43%) or difficulty with vaginal dryness, (39%). These two problems are clearly interrelated. Women who suffer from vaginal dryness find sexual activity uncomfortable or even hurtful. So they shy away from it which often causes tension, even serious problems with their partner. Obviously, these women are not aware that problems of vaginal dryness can easily and instantly be remedied with the use of a vaginal moisturizer such as Very Private ® Intimate Moisture; an FDA approved intimate moisturizer that practically duplicates a woman’s own moisture. (See www.veryprivate.com). It is also true that many women shy away from discussing sexual problems with their partners and/or their physician. Among men the most prevalent sexual problems were difficulty in achieving or maintaining an erection, (37%) lack of interest in sex (28%), climaxing too quickly or not at all and performance anxiety. Lack of good communication applies to men as well, so it is obvious that more openness among couples, better education and information exchange between patient and doctor can go a long way to improve sexual happiness and fulfillment. Without voicing the problems we harbor, including sexual issues, intimacy and sexual pleasure are bound to erode. We have to share them with our medical or love partners in a trusting, open way to find solutions together. This is especially true for men and women in an ongoing relationship where health and other dynamics always change. The more we are able to share what makes us feel good, in which way our partner can please us, the more likely we are to enjoy mutually enjoyable intimacy. Sexuality at any age can be a wonderful gift of life, as these findings prove.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-07-01 16:13:00

I’m completely in the dark about intimacy. I’ve been living with my girlfriend for two years and we are honing in on getting married. For the most part we get along fine. We go to the movies, I pitch in at home and we have great sex. But she is constantly nagging how I’m not intimate with her. What is she talking about? We even go running together sometimes and always watch the football game together. What more does she want out of me?

What she wants is what most all people in relationship should want. True intimacy, comes with really good communication between partners, really knowing what’s going on with each other, really being in touch with each other’s lives, being together, not doing together. What she wants is for you to take the time to listen to her, to hear her out. She may not have anything earthshaking to say. She just wants to share her experiences with you, how her day went, how she feels about a particular subject. She needs the comfort of sharing with the person she is closest to. (That’s why she talks for hours with her girlfriends when she cannot talk to you). She is equally interested in what goes on in your life. What is on your mind? How did your day go? She is searching for a way to feel more connected to you. She is asking you to share feelings, not just events. Intimacy comes from sharing thoughts and admissions of a deeper kind that you wouldn’t want to share with anybody but a partner that you trust and love. Intimacy is creating a language between you in which others don’t share. It is expressed in many ways: it can be a look, a touch or an unexpected compliment. It can be an e-mail or phone call to let her know that you think about her. It’s above all, taking time, even if it is ten minutes a day, to really talk and connect. These little acts of intimacy can be more meaningful than grand gestures that happen on special occasions only. Intimacy is finding the time for being idle together, listening to your favorite music after a day apart. Intimacy is allowing your self to share the thoughts, the feelings that make you vulnerable. I know a couple that, each evening, share a glass of wine or a cup of tea and review their day. They perform this ritual in different areas of their home or during a break in their evening walk. At home they light candles, play music they love and just enjoy “being with each other”. “Our love,” they say,” is getting better each day because we make it happen.” Think about the word relationship. It is about relating. When you watch football you relate more with the action, a great pass, a fantastic tackle, that have little to do with your partner. Your focus is the ball game. When you run together your aim is getting your heartbeat up, exercising side by side is fun. Doing together is important, it reinforces your compatibility. But being together is a different matter. Enjoying each other without outside distractions is based on giving of yourself, your thoughts, your words, sharing your heart, your fears and joys. Intimacy is the glue that strengthens your relationship. It deepens your trust in each other, it enlarges your sense of belonging. It makes loving each other more complete in all the ways you can experience it.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-06-01 16:32:00

As I get older, I’ve noticed that I’m losing the desire for intimacy. Is there something that I can do to change this?

Answer: Sure there is! There are multiple reasons that our sexual desire wanes as we age: • Lower estrogen levels resulting in vaginal dryness and uncomfortable intimacy. Solution: Using an FDA approved intimate moisturizer/lubricant. • Medications can affect libido. Solution: Your doctor may recommend alternate prescriptions that won’t affect your libido or suggest treatments to increase desire. • Unresolved emotional issues between partners often resulting in sexual relationship problems. Solution: Owning up to the issues and resolving them through daily open communication with each other is a must. Only then can sexual problems be rectified and intimacy blossom again. Sometimes professional help may be required to resolve such accumulated hurts. The good news is that our experts say sexual desire can be reawakened. Dr. Patty Taylor, renowned sexologist and hands on practitioner. Patty: When hormones are no longer the primary stimulator to get us in the mood, we have to focus on “pleasure” to become the key motivator. I teach my clients to spend more time than they used to at the start of an intimate encounter by giving their beloved soft, sensual caresses on hands, faces and arms so that the body can warm up slowly, the mind relaxes and can experience the nuances of pleasure and touch without being focused on a specific goal. Without pressure to perform, partners relax and open up to a far greater degree to feel physical sensations. Being involved, being in the moment, focusing on the pleasure that you feel is being sexy rather than acting sexy. That is definitely the key to spark passion between you and your partner again. Step 1: Think about being intimate hours before you actually get involved in intimacy. Your brain is the most powerful sexual organ. When it gets involved your body will follow. This brain/body connection also works when using aphrodisiacs; books, videos, foods, creams, and scents. If you think they will work, guess what, they will. It is essential that you want to be intimate not just feel obligated to have to do it for the man in your life. To be truly invested is one of the most powerful ways he feels connected to you. That’s how to establish closeness, emotional and physical. Step 2: Be active. Get moving. Your libido will benefit. The better shape your body is, from a health point of view not dress size, the better its responses to stimulation, mental or physical. When you make love to your partner it is your body saying what words cannot. Increase your body awareness to experience greater sensation. Step 3: Being involved includes body, soul and mind. Take responsibility for your uniqueness. Keep expanding your sensual and sexual vocabulary. Infuse togetherness with fresh ideas. Try books, DVDs, new products or experiences. Sometimes low libido is more tied to being bored with the same old, same old than hormonal problems. Decide to become a better lover. Being a better lover is like being a better dancer. The more accomplished and confident you become, the more you enjoy it. Learning opens new possibilities, especially in intimacy.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-05-01 16:21:00

I’m at that age where it’s time for me to get a mammogram. Do you have any sugeestions?

Women refer to it as the yearly mammogram torture, and many cite ridiculous reasons for avoiding their yearly screening. The real reason for avoidance is that they are afraid of possible negative news they don’t want to face. Living in the lull of benign neglect, however, is the surest way to put yourself at risk. Managing your health responsibly should be number one if you value yourself. Being a survivor of breast cancer, I can state with deep conviction that the yearly procedure most probably saved my life. My cancer was detected early due to regular screening. I had a lumpectomy, radiation and then was given some chemo drugs. I have been cancer free for seven years. I think of mammograms as a life ensuring gift, not a dreaded procedure. The American Cancer Society estimates that 178,480 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and over 44% will die. For many years the Cancer Society has recommended for all women over 40 to have a yearly mammogram. Early detection is the most critical factor in treating breast cancer successfully. Widespread acceptance by women to go for yearly mammography has resulted in a 24% drop in the breast cancer death rate from l989 to 2003. There are two kinds of mammograms. The yearly general breast exam is called a screening mammogram. Each breast is x-rayed in twice; side-to-side and top to bottom. Potential abnormalities are found in about 6 to 8% of women, requiring further evaluation such as breast ultrasound or a needle biopsy. The other is a diagnostic mammogram. These focus specifically on an area of tissue that appeared abnormal in the screening mammogram. Yet, mammography is not perfect. Sometimes the clinician may misread the film. Other false conclusions may occur because mammography is not as accurate as a newer screening technology called MRI, magnetic resonance imaging. A recent report from the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine based on a large study states that MRI detected cancers had been missed by traditional screenings in 3.1% of patients. Moreover, MRI screening can find the disease in the opposite breast better than mammography or clinical examination, specifically in newly diagnosed women with cancer in one breast. Dr. Constance D. Lehman, Professor of Radiology at the University of Washington School of Medicine and lead study author states that MRI screening could help spare women unnecessary mastectomies or other repeated treatments because MRI is more accurate than other imaging methods. Greater accuracy allows for improved decision making as to the best treatment course. Why then wouldn’t every woman choose MRI screenings? MRI procedures cost between $1,000. - $2,000. ten times the average cost of mammography, and not all medical plans cover MRI. Additionally, MRI produces a relatively high number of false positive results that lead to unnecessary biopsies. Finally, MRI is not a replacement for mammography. It does not detect calcifications, one of the very earliest signs of breast cancer. But it is strongly recommended for high-risk women with at least a 20% to 30% risk of developing the disease. Who is at risk? Women having received chest radiation between the ages 10 and 30. Women who have a genetic mutation or have a close relative who has a key mutated gene. Also women in whose family members, mother, sisters or aunts have had breast cancer. High-risk women account for about 1% of the 65 million women above the age of 40. But every woman, high or low-risk, has the ability to protect her life by being diligent about yearly health screenings.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-04-01 16:42:00

How do you know if you are doing the right thing, when it comes to relationships?

ANSWER: Catherine was a journalist. She lost her husband in her forties and literally avoided serious dating for fifteen years, claiming that nobody she had dated met her expectations. Then, suddenly, she encountered two men, both of whom she liked and dated. She was attracted to each. She duel-tracked till each of her pursuers proposed a committed relationship leading to marriage. “We had a really good partnership for more than thirteen years,” said Peter about his second marriage, “but it all went awry when my wife went through an endless midlife crisis.” Two years later they were divorced. Now in his sixties, Peter reduced his consulting work, took time out for travel and explored a number of relationships. Enjoying single life for a few years, he admitted to feeling quite lonely at times. That’s when a call from his ex-wife asking for help because of medical problems occurred. Since they had remained friends, he responded positively and was surprised how much he liked spending time with her. Over the next six months they gingerly explored getting back together. Then, at a business meeting, he met a woman that obviously intrigued him. The attraction was mutual. Both single and living in the same town, they started seeing each other. Right from the beginning Peter was honest about exploring the possibility of reuniting with his ex. His new friend seemed quite understanding and suggested to simply explore a friendship and give Peter time to gain clarity about his situation. The conflict and how to resolve it: Rule 1: For Catherine and Peter to resolve their conflict honorably and constructively, complete honesty and disclosure is mandatory. It is not uncommon that a person finds him or herself in a state of indecision. Asking for time is not an unreasonable request as long as all involved are given all the facts. Consequently, all parties have the ability to decide what feels right for them: continuance or exit. Rule 2: While it seems that Catherine and Peter are in control regarding the ultimate outcome, not so if the truth is revealed. Each involved participant has a choice to make. The issues to resolve for each are based on a deep examination of their feelings. They all need to sit back, turn inside, listen to their inner voice and hear what it says. Actually writing down what the “gut” reveals is crucial. Feelings don’t lie. Rule 3: Asking the right questions. What is it that makes me happy? What activities, what pursuits, conditions would make my life whole? What qualities do I admire in a partner, what can I not live with? What are the elements that make me feel secure, cared for, trusting and comfortable? What are my needs and expectations and are they realistic? Can I be a true partner to the person I hope to share my life with? Write down the answers and review if that’s what you really feel. Overruling your inner voice with your brain will probably lead to making wrong choices. Inner exploration is not easy, and may be more difficult for men. There is nothing wrong in sorting things out with an objective friend or seeking professional help. Most importantly, be sure you’ve gained clarity and understand what your feelings tell you. Then go with your heart to create the loving life you seek.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-03-01 11:06:00

QUESTION: Please help me understand the differences of hormone therapy? I am confused about all of the different kinds of treatments.

ANSWER: Millions of women can recapture their vitality, health, the beauty and sexual desire of their youth. This alluring promise was heavily promoted back in the sixties when Dr. Robert Wilson’s book, “Feminine Forever” caused millions of women to take up hormone replacement therapy. Subsequent serious studies contradicted not only his claims but identified potentially serious health risks connected to HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). In 2002, the U.S. government dealt another blow to HRT when they terminated the largest and most long lasting study, The Women’s Health Initiative. Their findings concluded that HRT actually increased incidents of heart attacks, stroke and breast cancer among many groups, specifically those taking hormones beyond five years. Enter actress Suzanne Somers. Her new book, “Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones” introduces you to the most forward approaches of maintaining quality of life without drugs. “Ageless” ~ that’s the promise.” She promotes her message dynamically through the national media and personal appearances, telling women, especially women in menopause, that they can regain their youthful looks, vitality and sexuality simply by taking bioidentical hormones. “Bioidentical hormone replacement is the only answer to ward off illness, weight gain, and other symptoms associated with hormone decline,” she promises. “What utter nonsense,” says Dr. Wulf Utian, a recognized world leader in women’s health. Being a consultant to several renowned medical institutions such as the Cleveland Clinic Foundation, The Arthur H. Bill Professor Emeritus of Reproductive Biology and Obstetrics and Gynecology at Case Western School of Medicine and Executive Director of NAMS (The North American Menopause Society), Dr. Utian questions her sources. “Ms. Somers chooses to attribute her findings to 16 “cutting-edge” physicians without established scientific portfolios. Why didn’t she call on any of dozens of world experts, each with more than 50 peer-reviewed scientific publications to their names?” “Appropriately used Hormone Replacement Therapy has its place,” Dr. Utian continues, but “there is this totally false impression that these so-called bioidentical hormones are somehow safer, or that they don’t carry the risks but they do carry the benefits of synthetic hormones. There is no serious data that supports these speculations.” Dr. Marcie Richardson, MD, a clinical instructor in obstetrics and gynecology at Harvard Medical School seconds his opinion. “Bioidentical hormones have not been specifically studied in a randomized trial on any widespread level, and if you are to use that as criteria, then it’s true that we don’t know if they are any better and they could turn out to be much worse – than synthetic hormones. We just don’t know. ”Complicating matters further is the issue of how these hormones are compounded. “Often formulations are based on blood and saliva tests that can supposedly determine a woman’s hormone status. “That too is nonsense,” Dr. Utian warns. “A woman’s hormones can change dramatically from hour to hour and throughout her cycle and from cycle to cycle. There is absolutely nothing useful you can tell about a woman’s hormone status from a blood or saliva test.” So where does a woman bothered by sleeplessness, hot flashes and night sweats turn? “There are many sources to help you find a reputable medical expert in menopause, including NAMS (The North American Menopause Society),” says Dr. Utian. “That’s who you should work with and trust rather than a hot promoter or a glitzy book without scientific foundation.”Other medical experts are less strident in their views on bioidenticals and some have positive comments. But they all agree -- the many health benefits supposedly based on bioidentical hormone treatments are simply fiction, not fact.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2007-02-01 16:23:00

My male friend who shared the news with me had a slight smirk on his face. “Dan, the Brain, just married a dummy? Attractive but not very smart,” he volunteered. Was he giving me the message that being intelligent may not be a great asset when it comes to finding a partner?

ANSWER: “Highly intelligent and powerful women don’t score as well as the less successful when it comes to the marriage market,” says psychologist Stephanie Brown of the University of Michigan. Her study with 328 undergraduate students concludes that men actually prefer less accomplished women. And what is the primary reason for that male preference? Brown states that men believe women in important jobs or women who are big earners are more likely to cheat on them because they have more opportunities. “Female infidelity is a severe reproductive threat to males, but only when the emotional investment is high.” In other words, “a preference for subordinate partners does not apply to short-term affairs”. Constance L. Shehan, University of Florida professor of sociology supports the findings; “well educated women are definitely less prone to get married.” As more women have achieved higher educational levels, their earning capacity has risen. Consequently their need to be married for economic security becomes less important. For males that can be a plus; financially secure women bring considerable economic benefits to the partnership. But it also means that moneyed women have greater opportunities to step out of the relationship at their choice. Men historically have owned the balance of power in a relationship because of economic superiority. Controlling the dollars gave them a sense of security and power. As women are increasingly able to secure their own financial future, the power balance in the relationship is changing. That may be very unsettling to men. It may also be a compelling emotional factor to make them choose more dependent partners; women without the skills or education necessary to be financially secure on their own. For these females gaining financial security through marriage is an essential component of the relationship. The reverse -- women who are big earners or have accumulated assets through other means, such as heritage, often become magnets for men who seek a better lifestyle or financial security. Many women are not entirely comfortable with providing the primary financial support to the relationship. “I want the man in my life to have at least financial parity with me”, says a single widow in her early sixties who inherited substantially. “Otherwise I just lose respect.” A well-heeled career girl in her fifties who’s divorced doesn’t consider a candidate unless he has more money than she has. “I’m modern in all ways but this one,” she admits. Money and power sharing in the relationship are clearly changing. Many traditional men still feel threatened by women who are highly educated and earn a lot while women are wrestling with finding the right balance between gaining wealth and/or power and, at the same time, keeping their femininity intact. A recent study undertaken by four English universities concluded that a 16 point rise in a man’s IQ makes him 35% more likely to marry. For women the results revealed the opposite. As her IQ rises by 16 points, she is 40% less likely to marry. Research aside, the right formula is the one that works for us.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2006-12-01 15:48:00

QUESTION: Is happiness finding a perfect partner?

ANSWER: She was divorced and in her late-fifties. Her kids were grown. Andrea had been hunting for the perfect mate for ten years, in vain. No stone unturned, she had become a member of umpteen clubs, joined cruises, hiker groups, photo pals. Name it, she did it, all to find the illusive mate. Nightly, after her workday, she spent hours prospecting on the Internet, where she had joined the top three matching sites. In Andrea’s mind, the only way to happiness was finding that ideal partner. After ten years on the hunt, eighty-seven dates down, having spent a fortune on new clothes, hairdressers and manicures, her mood sank from a general level of disgruntlement and disappointment to downright depression. “What am I doing wrong?” she complained to her bevy of girlfriends. Many singles, men and women, are locked into this desperate chase to find their soul mate, the one and only that would complete their life. Some, divorced and middle-aged, see it as their last chance for happiness. Others, who have at one time or another enjoyed a blissful relationship that is no more, desperately look for a repeat performance. Yet what all these eager seekers seem to completely oversee, is the beauty of life itself. While they are pursuing, calling, dating, e-mailing, joining, testing, checking out, networking and throwing themselves in this frenzy of connection activity, life simply passes them by. Days become weeks and months and to them, nothing happened. The hunting game has replaced living and experiencing surprises that happen each and every day. While they’re doing and expecting, they completely forget about being and enjoying. So focused are they on reaching that illusive goal, that they can no longer see the beauty, the joys, that each day may offer. I am not saying that to share life with someone you love is not a most wonderful objective and may well be the key to great and ongoing happiness. But what if it doesn’t happen? Does that foreclose living a full and exciting life and being happy? “Coupling” can be wonderful, but, as we all know, it’s not the end all, and there is no guarantee to happiness. A friend of mine, who mastered the art of living well, tells me that each morning as she begins her day sitting at her breakfast table, a hot mug of coffee in her hands, watching the sky, the trees and the light flooding into her room. During those magical moments she becomes part of the creative force that created this planet of ours, which has been there and will be there forever more. She watches the flowers blossom. In spring she smiles as the tender green leaves cover the branches and the rhythm of life starts all over. In fall she watches the colored leaves fall onto the grass, painting the meadow with passionate reds and orange and ochre. Each day she feels being part of the miracle of life and wonders what will happen to her today? And something unexpected and positive always happens, she claims, because she is open to experience it. She lost her husband many years ago. And “yes,” she says, “I would like to meet another wonderful man. But my life is so rich, I have great friends to hang with. I love music, we go to theatre, the movies, the museums offer wonderful shows, there are so many ways to savor life. Even reading a book and not having to put it down until the wee hours of the morning is a delicious way to treat myself. So if I meet someone, wonderful. But if it doesn’t happen, I am having a simply wonderful life.” Loving life as a single means learning to really like being by yourself because you value your own company. It’s a special discovery to focus on yourself, learn all the things you are and would like to be and do. Coming to terms with the thought that you, all by yourself, can make your life special because you’re worth it. That’s the most precious gift that you can give yourself this season. And while you go about doing it, you may just stumble into that wonderful partner, usually when you least expect it. Happy Holidays. Jacqui

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2005-04-01 09:21:00

QUESTION: My mother has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I do not live in the same state as she, and am feeling desperately guilty for not being there for her. I am in a position that I could take some time from work to be with her but I'm afraid that my husband would resent my absence. I also have a five-year-old that doesn’t understand why mommy can’t play when we are up there. Help!

ANSWER: According to the National Alliance for Care giving and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), over 22 million US households, nearly one in four, are providing care to a parent, relative or friend, aged 50 or older. Other recent surveys suggest that today's Baby Boomers will probably spend more years caring for a parent than they did for their children. I remember how helpless and anguished I felt when caring for my mom during the last few months of her life, having to leave my husband in LA. He visited me in Europe once when he could get away for a long weekend. We telephoned daily. Sometimes I could hear his disappointment and the loneliness in his voice. Sometimes I too felt deeply alone and often guilty.  Growing up we form an inner image of our parents, healthy, active, in charge. When we mature and often move away, we only see each other occasionally or call to know that everything is "fine".  We are not conscious of subtle changes. For many of us reality strikes when something unfortunate happens to our parents. Suddenly they need our help, our time, our caring. We are called to be the parent and take care of them, a role we're not prepared for, especially if health conditions have ravaged their lives and personalities. Who are these parents, frail and helpless? How do we handle the new responsibilities that require personal commitments? Multiple parties vie for our time and attention; our life partner and children, the company for which we work and now our parents. What if our parents have run out of money due to unexpected medical emergencies? Are we to step in? What is the effect on our family's own finances? Can we ask our partner to make sacrifices? Planning and discussing these sensitive subjects with elderly parents or relatives before serious life disruptions happen is essential. Shortly after Jan's second marriage, her father broke his hip. Being an only child, the entire responsibility fell into her lap. Released from the hospital, her dad preferred moving back to his own apartment. Jan hired help, but the bills sky-rocketed, so she chose to work part-time and take on the care giving; shopping, cooking, running to the doctors and all other endless chores.  "She was so exhausted when she finally came home at night, she had nothing left for us," said her new husband. "While I supported her and agreed that her dad should live with us, it was hell on our relationship. Little problems cropped up every day. We often wondered, where had our life gone?" Caring for an elder parent or relative may be overwhelming, especially if we are totally unprepared when an emergency arises. Just as we plan for our own future, we should consider and prepare with our parents or others that expect to rely on us for possible scenarios. Once we are called to step in, our life partner, maybe even our children, must be included in resolving these new challenges. Only by sharing all our issues with family members can we find acceptable solutions no matter how guilty, angry or resentful we feel. For the person caught in the middle between parties, these are particularly difficult challenges. Yet sometimes, when partners go through adversity together, there is a silver lining. They may find new respect and love and become aware how much value they bring to each other's life. For local and national organizations and support groups that can help with "care giving" problems check at http://www.veryprivate.com/.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2005-02-01 11:24:00

QUESTION: I have been going out quite a few times with man that I like enormously. He always looks neat, his clothes are freshly pressed, he seems to wash his hair daily but there is this hurdle, and it's bigger than me. He has a serious odor problem. He is not sloppy, his teeth are always  shiny white. His hands and fingernails are clean and well groomed. I just don't understand where this odor is coming from. I'm not even sure is it his breath or is it body odor? The moment we are close the "smell" is too much, a real turn-off, and I automatically pull away. It is so upsetting because I could really fall for this man. In fact, I have a little already and see real potential for this relationship. How can I approach this subject without offending him or chase him away?

ANSWER: If you really care about him, you must learn to approach even the most sensitive subjects with your potential partner. If you simply repress sticky issues you cheat yourself and him. Nothing good can come when partners are not honest with each other about their true feelings. Eventually there is hell to pay. Or, if you lack the courage to do so and opt to drop the relationship, you may hurt both of you and your chance for potential happiness. Clear and continuous communication is the only basis of a good relationship, and that means dealing with pleasant as well as touchy subjects. There is a good possibility that your friend may have a medical problem. Often stomach or gum problems can cause a strong and almost continuous odor. You should also know that men and woman often exude a different odor during intimacy. Women specifically suffer from more pervasive odor problems during ovulation days and during menopause. So there are many things that cause unpleasant odors, even things we eat.Think about the following approach when bridging the issue.Suggest a leisurely walk some evening. The great outdoors will definitely make the odor issue less offensive. While you gander side by side, it may be easier for him to hear you rather than facing you eye to eye while discussing this sensitive subject. You might preamble the conversation by talking about your good feelings for him. Admit that you care about him and would enjoy exploring this relationship further. Share some important information about you such as telling him things that put great importance on both partners being truly open and forthcoming with each other and sharing your feelings in a real way, even those issues that might take courage to reveal. Resolving more sensitive problems correctly ends up strengthening a relationship and building intimacy between you. After you made your point of view clear, find out if he is in agreement with you or has different views. Let him participate in laying the groundwork for communication between you.  Then admit that there is a little subject that's concerning you and that you would like to approach. Admit that you've noticed a rather strong odor and that you are concerned it could be a medical problem because you realize it is not at all a lack of good hygiene on his part. Tell him that you appreciate how neat and attractive he always looks and that he seems to take great care in his appearance. Explain to him that you don't want this little odor problem to interfere with your relationship and that's why you bring it up.  Two things may happen. If he is truly caring about you and wants this relationship to go further, he will find a way to examine and solve the problem. If he clams up and feels offended or turned off, well then you have just learned a lot about him. If you can't get yourself to broach the issue, well then it becomes your problem, not his. Sooner or later, you will need to face your fears. Odor problems can be remedied. Emotional flaws take more resolve to admit and reverse.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-12-01 17:04:00

QUESTION: Dear Jacqui, I was a dysfunctional husband throughout my marriage because of my marijuana habit. After we separated my father took ill and my Mom's health was failing so I was back and forth to help her.While I was gone, my wife became attracted to another man. She seemed real happy. We had many discussions and something happened to me. I changed inside and quit the habit. I wanted to become the man she wanted me to be. But it is too late.A different man wants to take her out, and it is killing me. I can't sleep. The pain is unbearable. All I want is for her to see who I am now and fall in love with me again. Is that impossible? I am so deeply distraught. How do I go on?

ANSWER: Brad  Dear Brad,You have already taken the first courageous step in going on with your life. You have changed your attitude about yourself. This is the most important action in changing your life for the better. I cannot promise that it will bring back your wife. That requires reaching her from your heart and a willingness on her part to give your marriage another try. There is lots of healing to do and, as you say, she may not be willing to give up the happiness she is feeling now. I would suggest you involve a therapist or a marriage counselor to guide you.However, if you follow your new path and learn to like and respect yourself you will see life's opportunities rather than life's problems.You've experienced that it all starts with you. If you don't like and love yourself -- why should anybody else? If you are self-destructive why would anybody want to share your life?  Whatever your wife's decision, you can recapture love and happiness. You win in either case. You win yourself back. You win your self-esteem and health. You become the man that you want to be and that's a glorious achievement. With a positive life attitude it wouldn't surprise me at all that you will find the woman who wants and can share a loving life with you and you will be ready to enjoy it.In moments when your thoughts turn dark, remember, you have already proven that you can make the difference. You have changed. Build on your success and take the next step to become one with yourself so you can become one with another.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-12-01 11:12:00

We've been reading everywhere that daily exercising can reduce many health risks from heart attacks to cancer, even diabetes. My husband and I are ex-couch-potato boomers turned believers. We went on the treadmill. Unfortunately my hips and his knees started hurting. Next we joined an aerobic class for beginners and felt sore for days. What is an effective exercise program that puts no stress on our bodies?

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui,We've been reading everywhere that daily exercising can reduce many health risks from heart attacks to cancer, even diabetes. My husband and I are ex-couch-potato boomers turned believers. We went on the treadmill. Unfortunately my hips and his knees started hurting. Next we joined an aerobic class for beginners and felt sore for days. What is an effective exercise program that puts no stress on our bodies? Glady Dear Glady,Any regular exercise will help; even a simple brisk walk reduces stress and health risks. Specifically I can recommend two forms of exercising that meet all your criteria. Both are beneficial to your heart as well as your total body, and easy on your joints.The first is the Pilates method, available for floor exercising at home. All you need to get is a floor mat and one of the many videos to follow very clear instructions. Alternatively you may prefer to attend classes at the gym and try more complex routines on the Pilates reformers, supervised by trained instructors. All Pilate's programs are tailored for beginners, intermediates and advanced participants and available at sport clubs throughout the US. For more info regarding your region, just contact http://www.pilates.com/ or Balanced Body at (800) 745-2837."Pilates is extremely effective for exercising any muscle group and it's gentle on the body," says Dennis Colonello, the top chiropractor in L.A. who looks after the stars of the LA Lakers and the Oakland Raiders. "It is excellent in developing core strength and increases flexibility. It's great for anyone who suffers from chronic back or neck pain." I was impressed with the special programs that Balanced Body developed for females over 40 who are at risk for Osteoporosis.We put three of our own employees on a three-week Pilates test. Rudi's chronic backache literally disappeared. "I can happily report that my underarm and stomach muscles definitely firmed up, and Isabelle feels that her body is more toned overall. So we've become believers. The secret of this method is working against your own weight so you get the benefit of weight bearing exercise which increases bone mass as well as cardio-vascular benefits. Neither of us experienced any discomfort except for sore muscles the first couple of times."The other program I can recommend highly is…. swimming. Swimming benefits the entire body and improves heart and lung capacity. It can be done all year and at any age. It brings amazing results and the cost of this sport is truly modest. Most of all, even if you suffer from certain pains and aches; it's always gentle on your joints. Many clubs now offer fun water exercises especially for boomers. Remember, exercising increases your seratonin levels that boost your libido, and all aerobic activity counteracts normal aging and makes you feel better and look younger. So, Glady and John, are you going to do it in the water or on land?

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-11-01 14:20:00

We've been reading everywhere that daily exercising can reduce many health risks from heart attacks to cancer, even diabetes. My husband and I are ex-couch-potato boomers turned believers. We went on the treadmill. Unfortunately my hips and his knees started hurting. Next we joined an aerobic class for beginners and felt sore for days. What is an effective exercise program that puts no stress on our bodies?

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui: We've been reading everywhere that daily exercising can reduce many health risks from heart attacks to cancer, even diabetes. My husband and I are ex-couch-potato boomers turned believers. We went on the treadmill. Unfortunately my hips and his knees started hurting. Next we joined an aerobic class for beginners and felt sore for days. What is an effective exercise program that puts no stress on our bodies? Glady Dear Glady:  Any regular exercise will help; even a simple brisk walk reduces stress and health risks. Specifically I can recommend two forms of exercising that meet all your criteria. Both are beneficial to your heart as well as your total body, and easy on your joints.The first is the Pilates method, available for floor exercising at home. All you need to get is a floor mat and one of the many videos to follow very clear instructions. Alternatively you may prefer to attend classes at the gym and try more complex routines on the Pilates reformers, supervised by trained instructors. All Pilate's programs are tailored for beginners, intermediates and advanced participants and available at sport clubs throughout the US. For more info regarding your region, just contact http://www.pilates.com/ or Balanced Body at (800) 745-2837."Pilates is extremely effective for exercising any muscle group and it's gentle on the body," says Dennis Colonello, the top chiropractor in L.A. who looks after the stars of the LA Lakers and the Oakland Raiders. " It is excellent in developing core strength and increases flexibility. It's great for anyone who suffers from chronic back or neck pain." I was impressed with the special programs that Balanced Body developed for females over 40 who are at risk for Osteoporosis.We put three of our own employees on a three-week Pilates test. Rudi's chronic backache literally disappeared. "I can happily report that my underarm and stomach muscles definitely firmed up, and Isabelle feels that her body is more toned overall. So we've become believers. The secret of this method is working against your own weight so you get the benefit of weight bearing exercise which increases bone mass as well as cardio-vascular benefits. Neither of us experienced any discomfort except for sore muscles the first couple of times."The other program I can recommend highly is…. swimming. Swimming benefits the entire body and improves heart and lung capacity. It can be done all year and at any age. It brings amazing results and the cost of this sport is truly modest. Most of all, even if you suffer from certain pains and aches; it's always gentle on your joints. Many clubs now offer fun water exercises especially for boomers. Remember, exercising increases your seratonin levels that boost your libido, and all aerobic activity counteracts normal aging and makes you feel better and look younger. So, Glady and John, are you going to do it in the water or on land?

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-10-01 11:53:00

I have fallen in love like I never expected. He could be the one, except he's separated, not   divorced. We're together often and are enormously attracted. We have not had full out sex because I put the brakes on. I'm terrified of getting hurt again.  I want a serious involvement leading to marriage, not another passing affair like a couple I've had that ended in anger and pain. After divorcing, many people get into this wild dating craze.  I'm nervous about becoming this man's first after- marriage lover. Yet I am so attracted to him, I feel totally torn.

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui:  I have fallen in love like I never expected. He could be the one, except he's separated, not   divorced. We're together often and are enormously attracted. We have not had full out sex because I put the brakes on. I'm terrified of getting hurt again.  I want a serious involvement leading to marriage, not another passing affair like a couple I've had that ended in anger and pain. After divorcing, many people get into this wild dating craze.  I'm nervous about becoming this man's first after- marriage lover. Yet I am so attracted to him, I feel totally torn. SandraDear Sandra:  What's your rush? Why do you put such pressure on yourself? You have lots of time to get to know this man before making any decisions. Take a deep breath, check in with your feelings and enjoy your relationship. Discovery of a new person can be a wonderful adventure. Enjoy it and stay conscious. And let your feelings guide you. When we first meet a new person we don't know them. Often we superimpose our fantasies on that person and are un-able to see them as they are. Only the passage of time reveals character, lifestyle habits, values and beliefs -- the core issues that let us assess how compatible we are and a life together can be.What you are also clouding the issue by clinging to your prejudice. Don't condemn one man because another did you wrong. Your fears are driving your actions. If you want clarity you need to stay open emotionally. Let's assume your man is more grounded than you think. Maybe he has figured out what went wrong in his marriage and what it takes to build a healthy and happy relationship. Hopefully he has done his share of soul searching and come to know some basic truths about himself and what's important in his life.What about you? Have you taken the time to visualize what kind of life partnership you seek, what characteristics are important to you in the man you wish to spend the rest of your life with? Can you be a steady, loving partner? Are you prepared for marriage? Have you worked through the issues that undermined your former relationships? If you have clarity about these issues there is no risk in going ahead and letting this relationship unfold naturally. For love to happen you have to take emotional risks and let yourself be vulnerable. You cannot protect yourself emotionally and become closer. The best insurance policy is to stay in touch with your feelings. So turn off your head and listen to the language of your heart. If it tells you to pursue a friendship first before sexualizing the relationship, it's the right message for now. If he is the right partner he will consider your feelings not just his needs.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-09-01 09:27:00

I've been divorced for many years, had several relationships but they all ended in conflict. I've come to realize that these break-ups all have to do with my low self esteem which I had all my life. Is there a way I can change? Dave

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui:I've been divorced for many years, had several relationships but they all ended in conflict. I've come to realize that these break-ups all have to do with my low self esteem which I had all my life. Is there a way I can change? DaveDear Dave,The beauty of life is that we are never too old to change if we are really committed to do it. I suggest two powerful tools which many health professional recommend as successful strategies. They may seem startling at first, but if you understand them and live by these principles, your self-esteem will improve:Never lie! That means don't put yourself in a situation that compromises you so that you have to lie thereafter. An acquaintance of mine who had your very problem told me this story. He was in a relationship and things were not good. The trust had been broken too many times. One night he went to a bar and started talking to a woman for several hours. When he got home, his live-in confronted him at the door. "Where have you been? It's 1:00 am?" He remembered the lesson about not lying. For the first time he mustered up his courage and told the truth. He immediately was overcome by the power of how good it felt to be truthful. He began to understand to avoid compromising situations. He stopped creating fabrications or make statements that lack integrity and lead to dishonesty. Once he followed this path his feelings about himself slowly became positive. Eventually he found self-acceptance and self-respect so he was able to approach his next relationship with confidence. To love and accept a partner is predicated on being able to love and respect your self first.Start building a body of positive experiences that make you feel worthy and proud of yourself. Meg, a woman with low self esteem, systematically shied away from any involvement that required personal courage. She ducked sticky issues rather than stand up to be counted and ran the other way. One day her friend at work was wrongfully blamed for a foul-up and was in jeopardy of being fired.  During their lunch break her friend asked Meg to speak up. Meg was terrified. She found all kinds of excuses why she couldn't do so. Her friend got up. "I thought I had a friend in you. I guess I don't," and left. In her panic Meg ran to her superior and blurted out the truth. After she did it, she felt ten feet tall. That experience changed her life. She started talking responsibility for her thoughts and actions. This powerful, positive experience made her realize that she had choices, always, to do the right thing. Positive thinking and positive doing are the building stones that are the basis for a good sense of self and caring relationships with friends and love partners.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-08-01 10:09:00

I've been divorced several years and recently met a lady much younger than me. It worries neither of us. Ally is forty-five and was never married. We have a lot in common and love each other's company. Recently she invited me to dinner and made it clear that I would be welcome to spend the night. I had met her roommate, the cat, previously and knew that her pet was important to her. I'm not crazy about cats especially since I'm allergic to them.

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui,I've been divorced several years and recently met a lady much younger than me. It worries neither of us. Ally is forty-five and was never married. We have a lot in common and love each other's company. Recently she invited me to dinner and made it clear that I would be welcome to spend the night. I had met her roommate, the cat, previously and knew that her pet was important to her. I'm not crazy about cats especially since I'm allergic to them. However, I was willing to make an effort and took an allergy pill with me. Ally had set a beautiful table and cooked a great dinner. But right from the beginning the cat sat on the table and proceeded to nibble off Ally's plate.  Frankly, that turned me off but I bit my tongue and swallowed my allergy pill. When we withdrew to the bedroom the cat got right into the action. I suggested we send her outside the bedroom but Ally objected. "Oh no, this would totally frustrate her". It was impossible for me to enjoy the experience; the cat kept interfering. The next morning Ally told me how happy she was that the cat and I had bonded. Oops! I'm taken with the lady but not her cat. Is there a possible solution here? WallyDear Wally,There is a reason Ally has never been married. Her cat is clearly her true love. Many couples or singles adore animals. But when two people are involved and living with a pet both partners have to establish the boundaries concerning their pet. Friends of mine have two terriers; they jump into bed with them all the time. But when it comes to romance the two critters are left outside. Ally should not assume that you feel the same way about her cat as she does. Many people would find it unacceptable to let a pet eat from their plates or include it while making love.You need to broach the subject with Ally now in a caring way. Tell her how you honestly feel, how taken you are with her and that the relationship offers great promise. But also let her know of your concerns and the fact that you are allergic to cats. Explain how bothered you were when she shared her plate with her pet. Admit that you could not enjoy lovemaking because the cat kept interfering. Suggest for her to think about it all before responding. The ball is in her court. She must come to terms with what and who is important in her life. She must question what her pet's role is in her life or should be? Her answers will give you clarity as to your choices. And that's the cat's meow!

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-07-01 15:42:00

Question:  How does one stop hurting and start loving each other?

Answer:  Many couples feel trapped in their relationship. They complain about lack of love, communication or sex. Their frustrations and disappointments have piled up for so long, they feel disappointed, desperate and see no way out.The Problem:When the original romantic intoxication wanes, the unconscious interactions of most couples changes. Now they see each other as they are, not as they had first fantasized. Often, emotional disappointment and feelings of being unloved result. Conclusion: they believe the cause of their unhappiness is due to their partner's changing. In fact, nobody changed, they just learned more about each other that's real, not imaginary:Without being aware couples start projecting onto each other what they dislike most about themselves. Unconsciously evoking deep childhood hurts and long repressed feelings in each other, causing their partner deep pain and anger.Feeling attacked, each partner responds with more negativity; criticism, withdrawing emotionally, blaming, denying sex. Love and trust erode. Hurt and distrust grow and seem un-surmountable.The 7-Point Turn-Around: l) Break the negative pattern consciously! Start behaving in a loving way. I can see many of you shaking your head. That's impossible. It'll never work. Therapists say it does if the couple truly wants to make a change.  2) Both of you must take responsibility for sharing with your partner what it is you want. Say what makes you happy, what gives you pleasure. Don't say if she/he doesn't know by now, what's the use!  3) Each writes down and exchange seven do-able things, specific wishes that you would like your partner to do: Give you a back rub, share events of the day over dinner. Kiss when leaving and coming home. Bringing flowers. Cooking a favorite dessert. Going for walks. Give each other little daily joys.4) Make a conscious effort, spend l5 caring minutes together, daily.  It is essential to start building a body of loving, positive experiences and remember how good that feels.5) Acknowledge your new feelings. Talk about them. Recognize and validate each other's efforts. As anger subsides, desire for each other is re-awakened. 6) Make a commitment to hang in even if there are setbacks. Breaking negative patterns is not easy. But we can train our brain. Imagine an alarm going off every time you want to say or do something hurtful. Stop using terms like "You always, you never." Use "I" phrases, such as "I would be happy if, I would love it if..."7) Valuate your partner's needs as you do your own.  Write down why your partner could be a life-affirming resource, a trusted advisor, a friend, and a lover. Exchange notes and discuss how you can translate your observations into being. Realize daily that you both have a choice to be loving.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-06-01 17:41:00

Question: We've been married for a good long time. Like all couples we've had our ups and downs.  Lately I've been getting the distinct feeling that a female co-worker of his is edging in on our marriage. She was blatantly flirtatious with him at the company's get-together. She's called here a couple of times and I've noticed that Jack works late more frequently than usual.

Answer: Remember who's in the driver's seat, you are. He's coming home to you every night, not her. The cards are stacked in your favor - your job is to play your hand so his attention and love are refocused on you.After years of marital routine, intimacy, and excitement, communication becomes a little threadbare. You know each other so well -- nothing is surprising anymore. But you CAN reawaken the magic in many small and wonderful ways. Most effective of all, when did you last tell your husband how much you love him, how much he means to you? When you share your feelings look him deep in the eyes and follow up with a few tender kisses to drive the message home.  Another surefire way to make him remember why he fell in love with you is to replay your very own love movie. Pull out the old photos that show you so happy together and experience the feelings coming over you. Then talk about them. Remember what really turned him on when you first made love? How about an encore? In words and deed, rekindle these feelings of tenderness and passion that you both felt. What did you do that was so special to the two of you? Did you go dancing sometimes, take walks in the moonlight, have breakfast in bed and cuddle for hours while listening to your favorite music? When have you done that last?Invent new love signals.  Leave enticing messages on his pillow or in the pocket of his jacket. Send an e-mail "Can't wait till you come home!" Construct a really romantic weekend together and rediscover the meaning and of love. Make evenings with Jack fun. Movie nights, cooking up a simple dinners to share with friends, attending a lecture together. Give him reasons to want to rush home and be with you. Nourish your marriage. It's the best way to keep love in -- and intruders out.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-05-01 15:03:00

Dear Jacqui,
I was widowed for several years before I met Tom. Our relationship blossomed and we've been living together happily for a year. Two months ago his company downsized and he lost his job. Since then he seems like a different person; irritated at everything I say or do, often withdrawn, unwilling to communicate. Our relationship has suffered a lot. I love him deeply but I feel he resents my very presence. What should I do? Move back to my home and get out of his way for a while. I'm so confused.  Kelly

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui,I was widowed for several years before I met Tom. Our relationship blossomed and we've been living together happily for a year. Two months ago his company downsized and he lost his job. Since then he seems like a different person; irritated at everything I say or do, often withdrawn, unwilling to communicate. Our relationship has suffered a lot. I love him deeply but I feel he resents my very presence. What should I do? Move back to my home and get out of his way for a while. I'm so confused.  KellyDear Kelly,Don't move out, he needs your support, just give him enough space so he can work his way out of this emotional hole. His self-esteem has been dealt a severe blow.  His symptoms have all the earmarks of what is called a "clinical situational depression." He might feel a failure and unconsciously do things to push you out of his life because he doesn't feel worthy of you. It is hard for him to accept your love at this moment even though he knows you mean well. He has to find his footing and work his way back to feeling himself again.      Relieve the pressure by concentrating on your life rather than making his struggle your focus. It is not easy for a nurturing person to be passive, but these are the signals he is trying to give you. Just let him know that you support him, that your love is there and will be there when he is ready to embrace himself again and you.     For you it may be the opportune time to enroll in a workshop and plan activities with your women friends to give him "alone" space. That long overdue visit with your family may be a good idea.     For him it's important to get his own kind of support. Networking with friends and colleagues is a positive step. Many of his pals have gone through similar experiences and are eager to share helpful suggestions. Maybe Tom has a close friend he could visit. There is nothing like a real buddy to hang with, feel the comfort of a trusted friendship and talk without feeling shame. He may wish to contact an outplacement firms. They have helped thousands of people in similar situations. Or he could join a support group in your community to ease his isolation.      In a loving relationship there are occasions when a wounded partner needs healing time to find his way back to himself and you. Coming through it together may bring you closer than ever.  Jacqui

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-04-01 12:14:00

Question: A few months ago I met a man who is very special to me. We are in a committed relationship and have established a home together. This caused a lot of tensions between my new life partner and several of my good friends. It is particularly painful to me that my relationship with my two best male friends, neither of whom I ever dated, has soured badly. Also some of my close women friends are acting as if I have betrayed them. I love my new partner and am committed to the life we're building. I also love my friends and don't want to loose them. What can I do?

Answer: Each of your friends has established a bond with you and invested a great many feelings in your relationship. Suddenly they realize that this is about to change. Their reactions are directly tied to how they deal with change. Many people fear it, afraid of loosing your love, your friendship, and your availability. Some welcome it and see it as a new opportunity. Others have a cautious wait and see attitude. Don't force the issue. You cannot expect all your old friends to embrace your new partner or your new man to like each of them.  As you meet his friends you too may have mixed reactions. Your male friends specifically may experience some competitive feelings. Somebody new has taken the place of "most important" in your life.  In many cases initial adversity can turn into real friendships. You can help the process by having a good conversation with each of your friends.  They need to understand clearly how you feel about your new man. They also want reassurance that your future relationship will continue. Assure them how important they are in your life, even though you now have a new love. It's a wonderful opportunity to thank them for being your friend. Given the opportunity, I bet most of your friends will wish to participate in your new happiness.If it happens that your new man and an old friend don't mesh or if you can't warm up to one of his buddies you both must have tolerance. Neither of you should resent that you wish to continue that relationship on your own. It's okay to have non-couple friends. Being a couple doesn't mean that you have to share everything. Just be sure to talk about it openly so it doesn't become a divisive issue. Your individuality is what attracted you to each other. You can be yourself and be a couple. It can be the most enriching and enlarging experience -- in love, friendship and life.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2002-03-01 17:49:00

Question: I'm divorced and the single supporter of my teenage daughter and myself. It's been tough going. Often I worried how to make ends meet. Suddenly life is offering me a great opportunity. The man I have been dating for less than a year has suggested that we get engaged on Valentine's Day. I like him enormously but I'm not sure if I love him. Max has shown me more kindness than any man I've ever known. He owns a successful business and has been very generous to both of us. My girl friends tell me to grab him. Does that mean I settle for money? Why am I torn?

Answer: Contemplating a life partner is next to impossible without having some fundamental knowledge about yourself. When people get caught up struggling with life, proposals such as Max is offering you can look mighty attractive. But the real issue is not his proposal. What you should ask yourself, Silvia, is what kind of life will make you happy and is Max the man with whom you can co-create what you seek?  Forget what your girl friends say. When contemplating spending a lifetime with someone, spend some time with yourself listening to your feelings. Hear what they are telling you and it will be apparent what the right choice is.I suggest you make a wish list. There is nothing wrong in wanting financial security. It won't taint you to admit that it is part of the practical and emotional needs that will make you content. Once you learn what's important to you share it with your future mate. You can only make each other happy if you both understand your individual needs and desires?A good idea is to spend some continuous time together, maybe take a leave of absence or spend a vacation, so you can get a feeling about daily life with each other. I suggest you tell Max that you feel honored and special about his proposal but that you need a little time to sort out some personal issues so that you can make this most important life decision with complete confidence and full commitment.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-12-01 16:44:00

Question: My husband reminds me constantly to wear my sunglasses, even in gray weather. He tells me that UV rays are always present and can cause considerable eye damage. I hate wearing glasses and being nudged repeatedly. Is he right? Marianne

Answer: MarianneDear Marianne, Your husband is right and loving in wanting to protect you. Medical studies confirm that sun exposure is the cause of major eye damage. Dr. Bahram Sheely, a well-known optometrist in Los Angeles, suggests "that all his patients wear effective sunglasses daily. It is critical to shield your eyes from direct UVA and UVB radiation, which is present even on gray days." A good lens should also protect against glare and intense light of which the major component is Ultra Violet light. The medical literature documents that excessive exposure to (UV) rays from the sun are key risk factors that can cause Age related Macular Degeneration and Cataracts. "An investment in good sunglasses is an investment in your eyesight." Dark lenses that are not coated with UV-absorbing material may actually increase the risk of cataracts because the pupil widens to compensate for the dark lenses, thereby letting more harmful ultraviolet waves enter the eye.Our survey with eye care specialists identified Maui Jim and Revo as two brands offering innovative lens technology for ultimate eye protection from UVA/UVB rays and glare. The Maui Jim glasses claim to be 100% optically correct. We can confirm that they offer excellent, sharp vision and true colors in all light. They're specially treated Polarized Plus lenses block reflective glare, as well as glare from above, below and the sides. Their titanium frames are ultra-light and extremely comfortable.Revo scientists developed unique lens coatings for NASA, which were then incorporated in their sunglasses so they let the right amount of light as well as the right kind of light enter your eyes. Consequently, you can see clearly from dusk to dawn and enjoy optimal protection for your eyes. Our tests in different lights confirmed the visual acuity.  Both brands feature polarized lenses and many fashionable styles.  Both are top-of-the line glasses and rather pricey. However, good eyesight is priceless.  Since these are specially treated lenses they may be reimbursable under some medical plans.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-12-01 13:57:00

Question: I'm ready to make a life commitment to my girlfriend but I'm afraid to find out if she really loves me. So I'm constantly in torment. Robert.I'm afraid to tell my partner that I have never been sexually satisfied. We love each other deeply. But many nights I fall asleep and cry. Jenny."
"My wife and I have become like strangers. I hardly feel married anymore. Divorce frightens me. I don't want it but it seems inevitable?

Answer:  Fear feeds on fear. By keeping our fears inside they become more disturbing. The only way to stop the emotional torment is to confront our fears before they undermine our lives. The first step is to ask, "what is the worst that could happen by expressing the feelings that cause my fears?"
What could happen to Robert who fears to ask the woman he loves for a commitment? She may tell him that she's not ready for marriage or that she is unsure of her feelings and needs more time. Whatever her answer, to know the truth puts Robert in a position to take charge of his life again and make choices, going forward instead of being paralyzed by fear.
What about Jenny who's never been sexually gratified? Has she so little confidence in her husband's love and understanding?  The very act of admitting her unhappiness opens the door for building trust and greater intimacy between them. Solving problems, including sexual problems, together often is an enriching experience for both partners. Keeping feelings of disappointment inside will eventually erode even the strongest love.
To Walter who is estranged from his wife I would say divorce is inevitable unless both partners agree to confront their fears and start building a bridge to each other. Don't regurgitate the negatives that have accumulated. Don't look to winning arguments. Winning doesn't work in a healthy relationship. Constructing a new life together does. Co-create a list 'how to being loving to each other'. Read your program daily.  Hug and kiss each morning and night. Feel your connection.
Fear is negative energy. The best antidote to free ourselves of negativity is being productive in our lives, being loving and supportive starting with the people closest to us. That's how we can turn negative fear into positive energy of love.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-11-01 10:57:00

Question: My wife and I had a very active and wonderful intimate life before our marriage and for some time thereafter. Then came the kids. Then came the end of lovemaking. Hugging, kissing, it hardly ever happens. She simply lost interest. I don't want to see this marriage go down. I try my best. I share in all the chores. I want to make it work but I'm stumped. What's essential to make a relationship work?

Answer:  It's amazing how little time men and women put into their marriage. If we put as little consideration and focus into our jobs - we'd be fired. You seem to be the exception. So for you and everyone else who is in a relationship that's gone flat, here are my five essentials for making a relationship loving and enduring:1) Couples don't just happen. They are made of two unique individuals who need to actively participate every day in growing closer together through knowledge, through communication, through reinforcing each other, through loving and trusting.2) Each individual is unique. Each has experiences, beliefs, a specific sexual style, living habits and values that color that person's feelings about everything that happens. It is essential to be in touch with our own feelings, to know what's going on with ourselves so we have a basis to communicate openly and constructively with our partner who is our friend, not our opponent. It is equally important to consider the other's point of with an open mind and heart and find a constructive solution together. In a relationship, that's winning. 3) We have to have "me-time" and "couple time" and neglect neither. Daily, weekly, couple time is essential and will not happen unless we plan it. Sometimes we need to take a couple break, away from children, work, all the pressures that come between us to rekindle our alliance, to rediscover laughter, playful sexuality and the joy of being together. 4) Romantic love is not enough to sustain a committed relationship. We need to build deep trust, develop intimacy and learn to accept our partner who undoubtedly has weaknesses and strengths, just as we do. If we cannot respect and love the real person, not some fantasy lover she or he never was or will be, we don't have a chance for happiness together.5) We need to develop and maintain an enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationship. Great intimacy is based on open communication, to really let each other know what makes you happy. Don't be shy about details. Tell your partner just how and where you want to be touched, stroked or kissed. Loving, frank discussions about intimacy never drive partners apart, silence does. Sexuality does not go stale by itself. Partners let it go flat and that has a dynamic negative effect on the relationship. On the other hand, if we stay interested, engaged and make time to learn about sex and pleasing each other, the bond of intimacy and love can grow forever.By Jacqui Brandwynne

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-09-01 10:14:00

Question:My boyfriend and I have been living together a few years.  Recently he has started to show a lot of jealousy.  We get along well except for these unexpected bouts of mistrust.  His jealousy is causing a lot of tension and I'm very concerned about losing him.  I love him with all my heart.  Lately, however, he even doubts my love!

Answer: Jealousy is complex.  Often it is based on insecurity and fear.  Your boyfriend may have had an experience with another woman who broke his trust.  He now projects these feelings of distrust onto your relationship.  Jealousy could also have its roots in a loveless childhood.  Little children who feel unloved often develop feelings of jealousy.  In adulthood these imbedded patterns can undermine a person's relationships, especially the love relationship.  These people actually believe there is a good reason for their jealousy, even if there is no reason at all.  It usually takes professional help to resolve such difficult psychological issues.  However, feelings of jealousy can also be caused by a partner's inappropriate behavior.  I know a young woman who is a provocative flirter and seems completely unconscious of her behavior, which is confusing and hurtful to her partner.  When her partner talks to her about it she immediately accuses him of jealousy, ignoring her part entirely.To this day, in some cultures, women are thought of as possessions.  Any interchange with "his woman" may cause intense feelings of jealousy in the male owner.You need to focus on what the core issue is that's causing the problem.  Is it his problem?  Has it always been there and now it simply careened out of sight due to recent circumstances?  Do you have any part in it?  I suggest you have an open and caring discussion with your boyfriend, away from the bedroom.  Go for a walk and cuddle in a favorite place.  Introduce the issue by assuring him that you love him and challenge him to make an emotional investment in your common future.  Both of you must agree to be deeply honest with each other.  Each partner should present his or her views uninterrupted.  The facts are what they are, only the way you view them is different. The solution is to bridge these differences.   If his jealousy issues are deeply rained, you may need to explore couple or individual therapy.  Your love for each other is genuine, both of you will happily make an investment in the relationship.  One partner cannot do it alone.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-07-01 15:19:00

Question:  Last night I came home late from work, as usual.  I heated my dinner in the microwave, as usual.  Helen was watching TV.  She called "George, are you home?"  I said "yes." Later I read the newspaper and then prepared for bed  She was still watching TV.   I laid in the dark and felt sad.  What is the purpose of being together when we're not together?  Surely divorce has crossed her mind too.  I don't hate her. She hasn't done anything wrong.  I just would like to be happy.  George.    

Answer: Let's assume Helen also sent me a letter?  Maybe it would read like this:  Last night my husband came home late, as usual.  I don't understand why.  We never have dinner together anymore and rarely go to bed at the same time.  I often watch TV.  It let's me forget everything I feel bad about.  Sometimes I think it best if we went our separate ways.  Sometimes I think about how happy we were.  Helen, Dear Helen and George: Each of you has chosen escape mechanisms... late work and TV watching, in order to avoid dealing with each other. The hurt that's accumulated between you now seems insurmountable.  It needn't be. You have vested a lot of feelings in each other.  They are still there, buried under a mountain of misunderstandings.  You can recapture the happiness in your marriage but only if you are willing to make a serious daily effort. The plan is called Ten Good Minutes. You must agree to spend ten good minutes together every day.  Start by agreeing not to dwell on past negatives.  Just delete them. Say, "We want to be friends and lovers again" every morning.Step 1: Think of a reason to compliment each other each day... for example... for little things you notice, taking an interest in your gardening, picking up movie tickets for the movie you both want to see, helping your neighbor with his broken car, setting a nice table and having dinner together, adjusting the work schedule, looking pretty, etc.Step 2: Be in touch with each other's life. Share daily happenings. Compare schedules. Your partner shouldn't learn from your girlfriend that your in-laws are arriving next Sunday.  You don't want to be appraised the last moment that it is his company's picnic that day.  Plan together. Be in each others lives.Step 3: Once a week discuss big issues with an open mind, never in the bedroom. Go for a walk, watch the sunset and talk. Listen actively.  Let your partner finish the thought. Don't jump in to counter.  You want to find a solution together not win an argument that pulls you apart.  Be tolerant.  Many issues don't have perfect solutions.Step 4: Hug and kiss before going off in different directions.  Laugh together. Hold hands.  Research suggests that spending positive time daily with your partner will strongly increase love and happiness in your relationship.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-07-01 09:02:00

Dear Jacqui: I recently read that a panel of scientists recommended to the government that estrogen in hormone replacement therapy and in oral contraceptives should be listed as "known" cause of cancer. My wife has been taking estrogen for over ten years. I am very worried that she put herself at great risk. Why didn't her doctor ever mention the danger? What are the facts and what should she do?
Mike R.

Jacqui Brandwynne Dear Jacqui: I recently read that a panel of scientists recommended to the government that estrogen in hormone replacement therapy and in oral contraceptives should be listed as "known" cause of cancer. My wife has been taking estrogen for over ten years. I am very worried that she put herself at great risk. Why didn't her doctor ever mention the danger? What are the facts and what should she do? Mike R.Dear Mike:You are correct. The quoted scientists indeed recommended that the cancer warning should be included in the "Tenth Report on Carcinogens" to be issued later this year. This is news. What we have known for several years, however, is the fact that estrogen increases the risk of breast cancer. Since l997 I have reported regularly on the results of ongoing studies. So what have we learned about the benefits and risks of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)?We know that Estrogen protects against Osteoporosis but so do several new drugs that are risk free. We know that HRT alleviates several symptoms of menopause such as night sweats, mood swings, sleeplessness, etc. But various reports suggest that herbal remedies such as Black Cohosh, Primrose, St.John's Wart, and natural estrogens are effective for alleviating these same symptoms. The problem is which brand can you trust and how can you assess the risk of potential interference with other medications? Many physicians know little about herbal alternatives.What about the common belief that HRT protects mature women's heart, heart disease being the number one cause of death of American women? The assertions may be unfounded. Two major l998 studies concluded that women on HRT had just as many heart attacks as those not on the hormone treatment. Both these studies made a strong argument that women with heart disease should definitely choose proven heart protection therapies rather than rely on HRT. The fact is, every single study done over the last ten years confirmed that HRT increases the risk of breast cancer by at least l0 per cent to l5 per cent for shorter term use and over 30 per cent for longer term use (6 to 8 years or more). The National Institute of Health also cites increased risk of uterine and endometrial cancer linked to estrogen.To choose or forego HRT is a difficult decision that should be discussed between a woman and her doctor and then monitored carefully. It must include a thorough analysis of a woman's health history and that of her family. It must give equal weight to a woman's feelings and instincts as well as her doctor's recommendation, especially if there are no clear cut indications. In either case, I recommend yearly mammograms and pap smears and yearly reevaluation. Early detection is still the best protection.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

2001-05-01 10:25:00

Question: I recently read that a panel of scientists recommended to the government that estrogen in hormone replacement therapy and in oral contraceptives should be listed as "known" cause of cancer. My wife has been taking estrogen for over ten years. I am very worried that she put herself at great risk. Why didn't her doctor ever mention the danger? What are the facts and what should she do? Mike R.Dear

Answer:You are correct. The quoted scientists indeed recommended that the cancer warning should be included in the "Tenth Report on Carcinogens" to be issued later this year. This is news. What we have known for several years, however, is the fact that estrogen increases the risk of breast cancer. Since l997 I have reported regularly on the results of ongoing studies. So what have we learned about the benefits and risks of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)?We know that Estrogen protects against Osteoporosis but so do several new drugs that are risk free. We know that HRT alleviates several symptoms of menopause such as night sweats, mood swings, sleeplessness, etc. But various reports suggest that herbal remedies such as Black Cohosh, Primrose, St.John's Wart, and natural estrogens are effective for alleviating these same symptoms. The problem is which brand can you trust and how can you assess the risk of potential interference with other medications? Many physicians know little about herbal alternatives.What about the common belief that HRT protects mature women's heart, heart disease being the number one cause of death of American women? The assertions may be unfounded. Two major l998 studies concluded that women on HRT had just as many heart attacks as those not on the hormone treatment. Both these studies made a strong argument that women with heart disease should definitely choose proven heart protection therapies rather than rely on HRT. The fact is, every single study done over the last ten years confirmed that HRT increases the risk of breast cancer by at least l0 per cent to l5 per cent for shorter term use and over 30 per cent for longer term use (6 to 8 years or more). The National Institute of Health also cites increased risk of uterine and endometrial cancer linked to estrogen.To choose or forego HRT is a difficult decision that should be discussed between a woman and her doctor and then monitored carefully. It must include a thorough analysis of a woman's health history and that of her family. It must give equal weight to a woman's feelings and instincts as well as her doctor's recommendation, especially if there are no clear cut indications. In either case, I recommend yearly mammograms and pap smears and yearly reevaluation. Early detection is still the best protection.

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Relationships

Jacqui Brandwynne

1969-12-31 18:00:00

QUESTION: Can “GOOD FAT” help you lose bad fat?

ANSWER: A recent article in the Journal of Medicine states that researchers in Europe and the US have identified a good “fat” that actually helps burn calories and may lead to a breakthrough in treatments for obesity. Good “fat” is known as brown adipose tissue in adults which apparently plays a role in the body’s expending of energy. It was known for quite some time that good fat, or brown fat as it is called exists in children, but it was assumed that it disappeared with aging. However, three different groups of scientists now report that brown fat is present in some adults. More exciting, teams of Boston researchers reported finding cellular switches that can be turned on to make brown fat cells out of ordinary skin and other type cells. This discovery raises the possibility that in the future obesity could be treated by spurring the growth of brown fat cells in patients. White fat, which is generally better known, leads to obesity when the balance between the intakes of food each day is greater than the calories we burn. In other words, when an imbalance between calorie consumption and calorie output in the form of energy exists over time, the risk of obesity increases and the damaging health problem connected with it can become a serious health hazards. “The discovery caused a very big change in our thinking”, said Dr. Ronald Kahn, head of obesity and hormone action research at the Joslin Diabetes Center. Dr. Francesco Celli, an endocrinologist at the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, believes the findings may lead to the developments of drugs that either help the body produce more of the brown fat or activate existing brown tissue. Unfortunately the development of these treatments are years away. If your New Year’s resolution include shedding some pounds, resort to some tried and true solutions that work, guaranteed, if you stick to the program. Most importantly, don’t set unrealistic goals which set you up for failure rather than success. Here is our four-step success plan, just add your own positive willpower: 1) Form your own support group. Several of your friends would love to shed a few unwanted pounds. Achieving together is easier and fun. Have weekly weigh-ins to spur each other on. 2) Exercise is the great calorie burner, a half an hour brisk walk daily can make a huge difference in burning calories. Join that local gym. It doesn’t take long till you get hooked on the “serotonin high” you will experience after working out. It’s the best way to make you feel up while your pounds go down. 3) Revamp your daily food program, emphasize a healthy diet. If necessary get the advice from a nutritionist for starters. Surely you’re already aware of the basics: more fruits and lots of veggies for your main meals replace butter and regular oils with olive oil. Multiple studies prove that people who enjoy the longest, healthiest lives eat little meat, fats and no sugar at all and engage in lots of physical activity. When playing bridge or watching TV avoid the sugar and junk food trap that turn into ugly white fat. 4) Celebrate little changes! Little steady improvements end up paying big dividends. Happy New Year!